by Al Shield

Created on: March 16, 2009

I'd like to say I'm joking when I reveal that the most horrid car I've ever had the misfortune of ever being behind the wheel of was dragged from a swamp. But sadly I'm not.

The automotive afterthought that was this particular 1956 model Hillman Utility started life on a production line but then somehow spent most of it absorbing swamp juice, rotting away and breeding mosquitoes in a fetid pit. And it was a chance encounter that had it dragged front first out of the mire and back into garage after garage to be rebuilt into surely the worst promotional vehicle ever conceived.

For a start, the Hillman was as much fun to drive as a gutted slug. Sure it wasn't big (you could use it to transport a hay bale or two or a couple of medium sized dogs if you had to) but it came with a bigger attitude problem than all of it's parts combined. It started when it felt like it and saying that it purred like anything was an insult to the beast you labeled it to. It coughed, spluttered and farted its way around town at a speed that could be bested by motorized wheel chairs on half a charge. I'd like to blame this on its many years of slime absorption in the swamp but considering it was rebuilt from the rust up, it's testament to Hillman's ability to make engines that don't do much period.

The handling was best described as horrendous as the springs had as much give as a nasty tax agent and any turning involved both hands, one foot and a very loud prayer. The steering gave you a workout and the brakes worked in delay meaning you'd hit the brakes 60 seconds before you wanted to roll to a stop. Added to this pinnacle of 50's automotive innovations was a column shift transmission that went from 1st to 4th before you could say Hang on, isn't this supposed to be 2nd?' Put it in the wrong gear and it would lurch forward faster than a fat kid jumping at the dessert section of the all you can eat bar and that'd be the only part of its performance you could honesty say was awake.' Since the sticker for the gear stick was nowhere near the lever itself, selecting the right gear was a game in itself.

Of course being a horrendous idea for fully rebuilt promotional car for a radio station, it came with a few extras that weren't around in the 50s. Due to the lack of an alternator, on the roof sat a massive solar panel that would recharge the lethargic battery when it was a nice day. Which when it wasn't, starting the car would take half a day and most of your hair. Giant speakers and a microphone

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