by Augusto Na

Created on: March 15, 2009

THE ZOMBIE IDENTIFICATION GUID: How to Identify a Zombie

Katie, your chainsaw, purrs to life. The acrid smell of diesel fills your nostrils. You stare at the blood red sun and smile. The streets are deserted save for pockets of people off in the distance. You are pretty sure you know what they are. You tighten your grip on Katie. It's zombie hunting time.

But hold on a second! How can you be sure that shuffling figure in the distance is a crazed zombie or just one of your cranky neighbors? Follow the steps outlined in this guide and you will find yourself killing a lot more zombies and a lot fewer innocent civilians.

1. Appearance: What makes a zombie? There is really only one requirement. A zombie is a dead being that gains life again. However, they are still dead on the outside. Thus, zombies look dead, while regular people look...like regular people. Check for rotting flesh, tattered clothing, pale, bloodless skin, missing limbs and a pungent dead person stink. Most zombies will be covered in blood, since they are messy eaters.

2. Behavior: Different types of zombies behave in different ways. Some zombies, due to the deterioration of muscle tissue, walk with a slow, shuffling gait. Others are a lot faster and more aggressive. Zombies will usually utter animal-like grunts or moans, and especially hungry ones will scream out for brains. Zombies are not capable of complex speech, so if a zombie begs you not to chop its head off, it's not a trick. All zombies crave human flesh, so if someone gets a little too friendly with your flesh, do not hesitate to give them a taste of your double-barreled shotgun.

3. Zombie Sociology: Most zombies will emerge from graveyards, so it is wise to avoid such places. Zombies are also social creatures that like to gather in big mobs looking for human prey. Zombies are rarely alone, so if you kill one, be prepared to kill another one.

4. Zombie-To-Be: If a zombie manages to bite a non-zombie, that person will usually convert into a zombie. What to do with a zombie-to-be varies depending on one's relationship with the zombie. If it is relative or close friend, you might find it difficult to kill them, for emotional reason. However, in the long run, it is wise to finish them off and spare them the experience of being a zombie. If a stranger is bitten, then make sure to kill them before they bite you. That may sound a bit harsh, but it's a zombie eat human world out there.

By following these easy guidelines, you can maximize your zombie killing powers, while garnering the faith of surviving humans by not killing them.

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