by Tim Higgins

Created on: March 15, 2009   Last Updated: March 16, 2009

Timing, and the ability to remember a joke all the way through - there's nothing more annoying than a guy who starts off well, until a cloud of confusion passes over his features and he's stalled long after any decent chance of a recovery.

Best way to avoid this: USE SHORT JOKES, and fire them out QUICKLY.

Many people say the best jokes are 'one liners', the kind you can fire off very quickly. Usually it's a retort to something that someone else has said, or a very quick self-deprecation line, that us Brits do well, but the classic example below is from the US's master of the form, Rodney Dangerfield - you'll have heard it already:

"I was such an ugly kid, my parents tied a stake aroung my neck just so the dog would play with me."

Personally, I prefer the 'two line' delivery, either representing a quick conversation, or (on screen) a small bit of repartee, or banter (like a knock knock joke in a sense):

1st Man: "I can't believe my Gran's died. Our family always thought she'd live to a hundred."

2nd Man: "Aw. Were you close?"

1st: "Not far off - she was ninety four"

Groucho Marx was legendary at the solo two-liner, but English comedians such as Bob Monkhouse (or Bob Hope - yes, he was English!) also made a life-long career out of this style, and as long as you remeber the whole joke and deliver it quick, you can't go wrong. Here's some of my favorites:

"I want to die like my father, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming and terrified, like his passengers."

"I can still enjoy sex at 74 - I live at 75, so it's no distance"

"You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."

"I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom."

To finish off, here's a 'story joke' for you here, it's not the worst joke ever, but it's hardly Groucho Marx. The trick with these kinds is to make them last a while (depending on how well it's being recieved), adding parts, description, etc. Here's the crux of it below...

A man had gone to bed late one night, cuddled up with his wife, when a knock came at the door. Somewhat annoyed, the man rose from his bed, wrapped his dressing gown around him on his way down the stairs, and answered the door.

The man at the door was drenched from the rain and battered by the winds. He asked the owner of the house, "Excuse me, mate - can I have a push?

"You've got to be kidding." No! replied the man, before closing the door and heading back to his bed. When his wife asked who it had been, he relayed his exchange at the door with the stranger. His wife reminded him of a time fairly recently when they themselves had been stranded alone at night, and if not for the benevolance of two young men driving by, they would have been there all night.

"They gave us a push when we needed it - now go and help this man" she told her husband, "You should be ashamed of yourself!"

Feeling a little giulty, the man reluctantly got dressed and headed downstairs. As he put on his thickest jacket, he opened the door and called out, "Are you still out there?";

"Yeah," came the reply, "still here."

"You still need that push?"

"Yes please"

The man looked round for his torch, "I'm coming out. Where are you?"

The reply came from round the corner, "I'm over here on the swing..."

- I can only apologise for that one! I told you it wasn't great but it's clean, it works for all ages and gets a laugh nine times out of ten.

Good luck!

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