by Sherelle Cary Smith

Created on: March 15, 2009   Last Updated: March 16, 2009

Many times, the root cause of a troubled marriage is the inability of each partner to understand and empathize with what the other partner is feeling. The main complaint heard is, "You don't understand me" or, "You don't get me". There is a loneliness that surpasses all others when someone in a relationship feels they are misunderstood. It's too easy to think that this partner is "mean", "cold", "hard-hearted", or "stubborn". That's the easy way out. Your spouse feeling "hopeless" is a term that is worth considering. When one partner is hopeless, there is no incentive to try and no incentive to believe that things can be worked out. Once those icy bars are formed, they are hard to penetrate.

If there is a lot of anger in the air, honesty is the best weapon to start communication back on the right track. Anger and hurt cloud honesty, so my advice is to stop, and take a self-assessment of yourself before trying to communicate with your spouse. Are you really angry at your spouse? Or could your anger be stemming from something that happened in your past? You'd be surprised at how often the latter of these questions is the real answer. If you suffered from a controlling relationship of some sort in your past, you are very sensitive to what people think of you. You are always trying to please but never feeling that you've actually done it. You seek approval and with that comes the open wound that never heals. Too many times, the spouse is made to blame for something that happened in the past-something beyond their reach or control. This is not taking all of the blame for the spouse's behavior, but it is important for you to know "Who-did-what-to-who-and-when" in order to have a truly honest discussion.

Let's also use an example of someone who was betrayed by a previous relationship. Their inability to trust is very hard to overcome. Let's say that you are the spouse trying to earn that trust. The door was shut to you before you had a chance. Your relationship is built on blocks of mistrust that were laid by someone else. Somehow, the two of you would have to come to terms with this truth before the relationship can be saved. If you were the person betrayed, then it's time for you to step back and understand how this is affecting your marriage. History has a way of repeating itself when it's not dealt with properly.

So the first step is to take a look at yourself and all of the emotions you are feeling towards your spouse. This also means taking some down time from

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