I do not remember much of my early childhood, only that I wanted so much to be loved-to be wanted. Knowing within my heart that this would never come from my mother.
It seemed to me that I could never do anything right. I had four other brothers and sisters. They were always smarter, better, and prettier. They could do no wrong and I could do no right. My mother and father always gave them all the attention-all the love. What was wrong with me? Was not I their child too?

"Go to your room!" "Get away from me!" "Why did I ever have you?" These were the things that I was told. What happened to I love you. I am so proud of you. What did you do today?

I never asked for much. I just wanted a mother and a father. How was I ever going to learn to be a good mother? Who would teach me all of those things that should be shared between a mother and a daughter?

I remember the day that we moved into our new house. I was so happy. Maybe things will be different here. I would be starting school and maybe I would make some new friends. My memories of that first day were horrifying. I had never in my life seen a school bus. All I wanted was for my mother to take me to the bus stop. I wanted her to help me face that first day. I was young and I was afraid.-NO WAY! Instead she sent me off on my own. When I was afraid to get on the bus, I turned around and went home. Hoping for some love and understanding from her-NO WAY! Instead all I got was how much she hated me, what a disappointment I was. She locked herself in her room so she did not even have to be around me. Then she put me out on our service porch in sub zero weather and told me that one way or anther that she would never she her eyes on me again. OH THE HEART ACHE.

I remember the day that I wanted to become a Girl Scout. I wanted to be like my friends. It was not to be-my mother thought that I was to dumb and not worth the time and effort it would take to get me there.

I remember the time that I was in our school Christmas pageant. I wanted so much for her to be there. I wanted her to take pictures and be proud. "You will most likely mess up and embarrass me. I am just going to stay home."

God saw me through those times. He brought me to a better place. He healed me of the hurt. You see, my grandfather was always in the back ground watching. One day, he had seen enough and brought me home with him. From that day on my mother never did have to lay eyes on me again. My grandfather refused to let her.

I know I have a mother, and I love her for being that. God has freed me from anything else. I am sure that when she is gone, I will be sad-for she gave me life. I will not miss her though, for you cannot miss someone that you never had.

THANK YOU MOTHER FOR GIVING ME LIFE.

Mother you have not done much to mold me or shape me, but do not worry for where you have failed others have stepped in. God has taken my life and made it beautiful. If you only could see me now. If you could only know the person that you threw away. EVEN YOU COULD NOT HELP BUT BE PROUD!

Learn more about this author, Debbie Roeser.
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