by Jackie Madsen

Created on: March 15, 2009

Why do some dreamers never become happy?

Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I just took off. Somewhere no one knows me, a place to start over. I am sitting here watching Under The Tuscan Sun for the hundredth time and I keep thinking, "why can't I do that?" I want to be able to just go someplace, follow my heart and just be someone new. And yet, I don't have the guts. I just dream of a different life, sometimes I'm an artist, or a famous writer, and sometimes even a chef in a small restaurant somewhere else. Still other times I dream of marriage, a man from somewhere far away who loves me for who I am and takes me away to some distant place, full of beauty and mystery.

Each passing fancy leaves me almost as fast as it arrives, leaving me with a sense of why. Why do I do this? Why can't I do this? Why is there never enough time to finish my projects? I never seem to find the time to fully finish before I start something new. My little room is cluttered with many of these projects. I have bundles of fabric for making blankets and I've only made three, but have started at least four others. I have notebooks half full of stories never finished because my mind has moved on to the next part of the story. I have sketchbooks, pads of paper for painting all either empty or filled with never finished projects. I can't seem to stop, always moving on to the next thing that peaks my interest. I have been to college twice, and neither time have I finished a degree before becoming bored and wanting to try something new. I am currently working on a degree in freelance writing, mainly because it sounded interesting and something I could do in my own time and whenever the urge hit to open the lessons, yet even as I write this I am wondering, would I be able to have two degrees going at the same time. My mind is forever changing and continually seeking something new to fill my time.

If following your dreams is supposed to lead to true happiness, why am I always feeling miserable? I like my job now, but I'm bored with it, I have learned almost everything there is to know and I'm ready for something new. That is my whole life, moving from one flight of fancy to the next, never satisfied with what I have learned and wondering what else is out there for me to try. And so I am back to the beginning, wondering what it would be like to just runaway and become someone new. Maybe tonight I will dream I'm a writer, an artist, a chef. Maybe I'll be married, or have a man who loves me, children of my own to take care of. Or maybe I'll dream something new, something that I never thought to try.

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