by Elaine Sihera

Created on: March 14, 2009

Some black women don't marry because of cultural pressures and expectations around their partners. There is a lot of fear around marriage because of the specific cultural behaviour that characterises being black. With the high number of black children without stable fathers, black women stereotypically perceive black men, rightly or wrongly, to be feckless, insincere, immature, unreliable and uncaring. They believe they are likely to be hurt once they have committed themselves to a black man and would rather have the freedom to dictate their lives in ways they feel best, than to be 'trapped' in a long term relationship that appears to be going nowhere or might leave them open and vulnerable to be hurt.

Some black communities have a history of one-parent families, broken relationships, multiple partnerships and infidelity. The men, in particular, seem unable to sustain long-term relationships with a single partner. They are often looking elsewhere for someone else, perhaps to prove their prowess, to boost their low esteem or to remind themselves of their ability to attract other women. This makes many black women feel insecure and vulnerable when they give their heart to the men they desire. Research has shown that it is also black women, mainly, who are forging ahead in careers, providing the steady money and progress in the home. That not only makes them more desirable but also exposed to being taken advantage of, providing a nest and security for men who might not be as industrious or ambitious. This only leads to greater hurt and stress which many black women are now increasingly trying to avoid.

For all these factors, many women fear the long-term commitment which marriage brings, They would rather struggle on their own, or have casual relationships, than settle down with anyone in order to 'protect' themselves. They believe that by remaining unmarried, they not only preserve their attraction and desirability, but they also protect themselves from having the 'wrong' type of men around them. The men too are often reluctant to marry black women because they perceive them to care most about money and material things without being really loving and that adds to the ever decreasing wish to marry within many black communities.

In today's world where almost everything has to be 'perfect', getting a partner is no different. He has to be perfect too and, in the eyes of many black women, their men are far from perfect. They appear to be selfish, irresponsible and unfaithful and those three attributes tend to deter women who might wish to take the plunge. Many black women also believe they do not need a man in their life to enhance them, especially if they have a career, with their own money and are happily taking care of themselves. They look at the perceived 'angst' relating to a marriage, then look at their single lifestyle with pride and quietly say 'No contest', while they remain firmly single.

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