"I'm just no good at relationships!" It was after midnight and I was on the phone with Sarah who had just suffered a very nasty break up. To be honest, I was only half listening because this conversation was almost word for word the same as half a dozen late night phone calls over the years. I could almost mouth the phrases as she said them. "It all started off so well. Where did it go wrong? Why can't I ever make a relationship work?"
Finally, I had enough. "Sarah, why do your plants and trees always thrive while mine always whither up and die?"
I think I shocked her with the sudden topic change, but as a life long gardener, her response was automatic. "Well, I do have a green thumb but really I don't do anything special. I just follow the steps of timing, selection, preparation and maintenance."
"Then there is no reason why you can't be in a successful relationship, because the keys to a successful relationship are the same." There was silence on the line. I continued on. "I'll prove it to you. How do you plant a tree?"
"First, you need to make sure that it is the right season for planting. All the care in the world won't help if you try to plant in the middle of the winter. You also have to choose the right kind of tree and make sure that it is healthy."
"See, that just happens to be the first key to a good relationship."
Key #1
Timing: Plant in season. First, you need to know if it is the right season in your life to begin a relationship. Be realistic. Do you have the time and energy right now to give your all as half of a couple? Do you feel like you are really ready to make a commitment at your current age and circumstances?
Key #2
Selection: Do you want a tree that bears sweet fruit, gives shade or looks majestic next to the house? Asking out the biggest flirt at work is not going to end in marriage, babies, and a white picket fence. Pick the guy that matches the type of relationship you want to have. The selection process includes picking a healthy tree. If he spends the first date telling you how messed up he is from his last relationship, believe him. You may think that the idea of rescuing him is romantic, but it will only lead to problems later on.
Her voice still resonated with doubt as she told me the next step. "Once you have the right tree, you need to prepare the ground you will be putting it in. Let me guess; you need to do the same thing in a relationship"
"Of course," I said. "But realize that the ground you are planting in is you."
Key #3
Preparation: Prepare the ground. Do you want an honest, stable guy with a good job, a sense of humor and fantastic fashion sense? Or maybe you want someone who is highly educated, driven for success and the ultimate gentleman. Either way, you have some work to do. People say that opposites attract, but numerous of studies have shown that to be false. Make yourself into the kind of person that you want to find. You don't have to be identical twins, but having things in common can lead to a much more fulfilling and stable relationship.
"Once you've planted the tree, fertilization is very important. Don't bother telling me how that one works. I took sex ed in high school."
I laughed. "That isn't fertilization, that's pollination, and that is a whole different conversation. Fertilization is about good nutrition."
Key #4
Fertilization: Feed your relationship. First, give it time. This is the reason why long distance relationships are extremely difficult to sustain. There is no substitute for time together. Next, feed your relationship with kindness. Don't let even one day pass without doing something kind for each other. Small arguments don't blow up into huge fights when you are looking for ways to serve your significant other. Finally, feed your relationship with forgiveness. Everyone makes mistakes. Forgive each other for not being perfect, and you will find that your relationship will thrive.
"I bet you can't relate the last step in tree care to relationships."
"Try me."
"The last thing you need to do is to prune the tree."
"Why do you prune it?"
"Because it is diseased, to thin it out, or to prevent it from growing in the wrong direction... oh I see."
Key #5
Pruning: Prune when necessary. If your relationship has become unhealthy, find the disease and cut it out. Fighting over money? Work on a budget together. Tired of going to bed alone as he plays his latest video game? You can work together to set limits. If you are seeing bad habits creep in, stop them before they become routine. Most divorces started out with a wedding day where all the guests commented on how perfect the couple was for each other. They probably were. They just let the relationship grow in unhealthy ways.
As Sarah and I finished our conversation, I knew that we had discovered the key to successful relationships. With timing, selection, preparation and maintenance, relationships can grow strong and healthy. Then, once they have developed strong roots, they can handle any bad weather or extreme temperature that comes their way.