By the time the couple hits the marriage counselor's office, their marriage is already in deep trouble. Their relationship is becoming fodder for a "Ladies Home Journal" article on "Can this marriage be saved?" Having to sort through layers of long-term marital problems can become more than many people are willing to do. The time to work on a marriage relationship is before the marriage starts to fall apart.
Courtship is a time of best behavior and misleading signals.
During the courtship phase of a relationship, both partners tend to live a fantasy life that caters to the whims and desires of their partner. This type of relationship tends to be contrived and artificial. No matter how long a couple remains together before the wedding, their behavior toward each other will still lean in the direction of selective revelation about habits, feelings, and actions.
Marriages are easier to maintain than to fix.
Within a few weeks to a few months of tying the knot, partners within the marriage gradually drop the subterfuge in favor of just being themselves. This can be an unpleasant picture for one or both partners. When this honeymoon phase ends, problems can begin. This is the time to begin to devote time and effort to establishing a new more realistic relationship based on trust, honesty, and forgiveness. Treating this time as a fresh courtship phase only without the trickery and blinders can allow the couple to begin to build their life together on a more stable foundation.
Dating should continue throughout the length of the marriage.
Dating is a time for making your partner feel special. It is also a time when couples can relax without worrying about housework and bank accounts while they focus on each other. Most couples bond initially from a relationship where each partner acts as though the other is the most special person in the world. If you want a durable marriage, this type of treatment needs to continue at least on a regular date night that happens several times per month. Once per week is the best plan.
Be encouraging to each other during times of success and times of stress.
Encouragement is not an activity that you reserve for the times when someone is feeling down and out. People who are enjoying success need to know that their marriage partner is in their corner cheering them onward. Success is much better when someone you love is able to be there to share it with you. Sharing success in a marriage gives material to build a more solid foundation into the future.
Being encouraging in the difficult times of stress is also important to the relationship. Too many times, one partner will choose a time of intense stress to critique the other partner's performance as a spouse. Kicking each other at a low point in life and the relationship is a really bad plan. Help each other get through the tough stretch and then evaluate mistakes and make positive plans for the next rough place in life. Your spouse needs to know that even if a mistake is made, you will be supportive and work through the situation together.
Do small unexpected acts of kindness at random times.
While you want to remember the big things like anniversaries and birthdays, you should not need a major excuse to do something nice for your spouse. Send a card, flowers, or a small gift to your spouse at a time when it is not expected or the result of guilt. You do not want to overplay this game, but several times per year would not be too much.
Avoid the temptation to cheat.
Just because the opportunity may present itself, do not give in to cheating on your mate. Even if you believe that you will never be caught, the act of cheating weakens you bond with your spouse. If it is discovered, it can end a marriage. It is far better to just never let this happen than to try to fix it later.
Be honest and fair about money.
A selfish spouse can dent a marriage quicker than one might realize. When one partner believes that he or she deserves to spend any amount of the family income on self-indulgent purchases, it will eventually create a rift between the partners. One partner will see the other as wasteful and willing to put the family at risk for selfish desires.
Keep one another informed regarding the financial well-being of the marriage. If the bills are too high and the bank account is running low, do not feel that you need to always fix it without the help of your spouse. Keeping the financial boat afloat in the marriage is a shared responsibility. Make sure that the information in this area is accurate and frequently shared.