by Jeff Charlebois

Created on: March 13, 2009

Every year thousands of people are brought in front of an alter to exchange vowels and join bank accounts-for better or for worse. With stars in their eyes, they gaze upon each other while pondering the question, "What the hell am I doing?"

A wedding is serious thing-even to a male. It is a ritual that unites the soul of a man and woman. A commitment is made to spend the rest of your lives together, until death do you part, or until someone's lawyer is invited to step in and breach the contract.

Preparations must be made for a wedding. This is done by the woman because it's a lot of time consuming work. If the man was administered this work load, nobody would be married. He would have given up long before the tux fitting.

A wedding date must be decided on by the two parties. Then, the man gets to agree on the date. Will it be in Spring or Fall? Should it be inside or outside? Do we have it in a church or a mall? Can we charge at the door? This is only the beginning.

After deciding when to get married, you must now decide who to invite to the unification ceremony. Yes, you have to send an invitation to that pesky older brother who lit your hair on fire as a child. No, you can't leave out your mother because she grounded you for piercing your nipple when you were fifteen. (A breast ring should never come between a mom and her offspring.) As a rule, immediate family members have a free pass to the festive occasion-no matter how embarrassing it might be. Remember, you can always tell people they're from your spouse's side of family.

Now you must decide who will be in your wedding party. The male has a best man. This is usually his closest childhood friend who has kept him out of jail or put him in jail during his youth. The female has a maid of honor. This is usually her best friend who never slept with any of her previous boyfriends or has never told her about it. The rest of the party members are simply friends who exhibited one or two flaws that prevented them from being "the best friend."

When choosing an invitation be leery of certain things. Don't send out cards with Ziggy on the front. Don't use cards that, when opened, play cute little songs. (Sometimes they have subliminal Satanic messages.) Most importantly, if you want to bolster attendance, don't mention that it's a cash bar. That's what the tavern down the street is for, which is most likely where your guests will go if they know they have to pay for booze.

After receiving the three R.S.V.P.'s, from the thousands

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