by Ethan Holmes

Created on: March 12, 2009

Top Ten Things Dad Never Told Me

Allow me to offer a prelude to this piece by saying that I never had a Dad to tell me things I should know later in life. I was too busy working by the time I was nine to notice if I had a Dad. When you have to put cardboard in half dollar sized holes in your shoes at that age there is not much else to do but go to work. However, if I had a Dad, a real Dad, as in one who might have sat down occasionally and brought me up to speed on life in general then he probably would have spoken up about the following concerning the ladies:

#10- No one told me that someday I would be staring at a double master bedroom closet containing eight hundred fifty nine separate pieces of clothing and only twelve of them would be mine. Coincidentally no one mentioned that I would be simultaneously hearing, "I haven't got a thing to wear!" while staring at no less than two hundred and eighty five pairs of shoes of every conceivable style and color.

#9- It was never disclosed to me that once you have entered the dating/serious relationship world the single most important word you could possibly remember for the rest of your life will be jewelry.

#8- I was never warned that she could "forget" where her car keys are once a week yet somehow she could remember where we went on our third date four years ago, what the exact outside temperature was, what phase of the moon was in cycle, how I combed my hair that day, what we had for dessert, well you get the picture.

#7- Someone, anyone should have told me that you could innocently suggest getting a twist cone at the ice cream store on the way home one day only to watch her burst out in inexplicable tears at a certain time of the month because it reminds her of "how fat she gets," and "you must not love me anymore." Huh?

#6- No one mentioned that women are herd animals and like to gather together in strange places like "hot yoga class," overly expensive coffee shops, Avon parties, aerobics studios and any bar with a Ladies Drink Free Tonight sign out front.

#5- It was never mentioned to me that you must never use logic on a woman. You cannot play Perry Mason or Johnny Cochrane on them and use "just the facts, ma'am." Women don't think like that and you can't make them. Arguing with logic and facts will produce a glaze in their eyes that will match any donut out there and a vacuous look that will make a black hole look like a minor puddle. In some odd cases it may even make them cry and you will not be able to figure

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