by Kimberly Devine

Created on: March 12, 2009

Is it possible to buy a child's affection with expensive gifts? No. The item being purchased is not affection for the parent; it is affection for the toy. The parent just gets the outside glow of that affection. Even this response of infatuation with the toy of the hour will quickly fade as the toy has no intrinsic value. It is easily gotten and easily replaced by the next new thing.

The psychology of a child is largely a simplistic version of the psychology of an adult. An adult is able to prevent himself from an expected response to stimuli, but a child is like putty to every influence. If a parent is attempting to buy affection, it means they have already done something to lose it. This child has already been taught that the parent is not worthy of affection.

If an expensive gift is used to purchase affection, it loses all worth through what it represents. The parent is teaching the child that time, energy and effort that could be given towards earning affection have a greater value than the gift, and the affection of the child is only worth the value of the gift.

Again, the gift is easily replaceable... a newer expensive gift is just around the corner. The gift has no value.

The child has no value.

Eventually, a child's psyche will turn that around to protect itself. She will believe that the parent himself has no value as he is unable to give the time and effort. She loses all respect for this failure of a parent, and, as she has not been taught to respect herself, feels comfortable manipulating her parent for more expensive gifts.

Nowhere in this equation is there any small flicker of affection. This is an equation built on distance between members in the same family. In nearly every instance, the parent is not trying to hurt the child, just the opposite. The parent is trying to provide the child with "the best" as every parent wants for his child. However, the hours put in at work are often seen as a rejection by the child or as an escape from difficulties at home. The irony is tragic, and the child is injured anyway.

A child is first taught to love and bond through the parental bond. Love and affection are examples of social behaviors, a child that is not provided with enough social stimulus during the first years of her life, will not be able to replace that knowledge once the brain has matured. That part of the brain grows early on and is only mildly flexible after that. So, the lack of love and affection will affect the child's future relationships. Every child loves her parents, whether it is desired or deserved. So, she is being taught, as she grows, that a relationship of love is a relationship of manipulation. The brass ring on this merry-go-round is vicious and nobody wins.

It is best to spend time with a child and teach her the value of that time. A parent must be willing to sacrifice for a child. By having a child, an adult has chosen to put his own desires second. It isn't the child's fault; it is the parent's choice. Love and affection given freely will cause a child to love freely, to love her parents, her friends, her spouse and her own children. It's a worthwhile investment that cannot be replaced by a gift.

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