by Christina Noll

Created on: March 10, 2009   Last Updated: May 05, 2009

I have been battling demons within myself since I was about 11 years old! When I was a child, I suffered from childhood obesity. I hated that I was called fat. I also hated watching TV and seeing all the thin actresses and singers because it was not me! I decided I needed to do something. I started to exercise. The exercise worked because I went from a size 15-16 to a size 12-13. However, as I continued to watch TV, I became obsessed with looking like the celebrities. I began to compulsively exercise, exercising three times a day every day! I also cut out several foods.

I went from a lifestyle of no exercise and no diet to a lifestyle of exercise addiction and under eating, almost anorexic. On Christmas of my 8th grade year I was a size 12-13 dress by Easter (only 4 months later), I was in a dangerously skinny size 0-2 dress. During this time frame of my life I contemplated suicide and I even self abused. I always wanted to be someone else and was unable to accept myself. This self-hatred fueled my anger.

I was so thin. I had absolutely no curves at all. At this time in my life I was about to enter High School. During my Sophomore year, I became very self-conscious of how I looked again. I hated that there were girls all around me, my age developing and I barely fit into a training bra! I started to eat unhealthy again. I ate Oreo cookies for breakfast and more junk food for lunch. This too did the trick and I had a few more curves fitting into about a size 6.

The problem was, I always wanted to be or look like somebody else, I was never happy with just being me! It would take years before I would be on a steady diet and exercise plan, but finally I would get there!

When I was seventeen my daughter was born. I also married at the age of 17. We were both young and battling our own demons within ourselves. The marriage was plagued with some physical abuse and much mental abuse, in turn it was destined for disaster. Ultimately, we separated and divorced a few years later.

During the separation and after the divorce I dated men and I let these men use me. What I have come to learn was that these relationships were not healthy for me. Those relationships just fueled depression and loneliness. For the past few years I became very distrusting and cynical. I lost myself. I was not really me anymore. I was not able to trust anyone and I had no faith in human kind. I wallowed in my own self-pity often.

I acted like a total unfeeling robot - well only on the outside. On the

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