by Faye Westlake Newman

Created on: March 10, 2009   Last Updated: March 11, 2009

Domestic Violence: Whose Responsibility Is It?

It was past midnight. I sat in a local coffee shop with six other cops, one of them my husband. We were off duty, discussing the calls of the day, including a domestic violence case. A man had gone after his wife with an axe and missed killing her by inches.

My sergeant said, "She must like it, or she'd leave."

I considered how the mug in my hand would strike his nose.

"Trust me," I said. "No one likes it."

"How would you know?"

I hesitated. Telling someone would be a first.

"Been there," I said, "done that."

"You haven't . . " He stopped. I don't know what he saw in my spouse's face, but I know what he saw in mine: anger, determination. Rebellion.

"Oh." He never mentioned it again.

I expected to pay for my remarks. Nothing happened. No black eyes, no bruises. We went to bed without a word.

I didn't fool myself he'd changed because my sergeant disapproved. I'd been there, too: promises, apologies, excuses, blame.

Why do women stay? Why don't they leave, before violence escalates to murder?

There are as many reasons as abused women. I can speak for myself and those I interviewed as a cop. Women stay because:

1. They love the jerk.

2. Hope springs eternal. He's always sorry. He'll change.

3. They believe in vows.

4. They were raised to keep their word.

5. Somebody said: "You made your bed. Lie in it."

6. They have children to feed and clothe.

7. Insecurity. He tells her daily she's worthless.

8. Fear. He threatens to kill her if she leaves.

9. He threatens to kill someone close to her.

10. He'll tell everybody what a tramp she is.

11. She's undereducated or out of the work force and can't get a job.

12. He threatens to take the kids and his buddies will testify she's unfit.

13. He threatens to hurt the kids.

It's a long list. All of those were true for me. It skirts the question nobody asks. Instead of, "Why doesn't she leave?" we should ask, "Why does he abuse her?"

If her choice is to stay, why don't we direct our questions, place responsibility, where they belong? He's the abuser. Instead of pointing fingers at her, we should be pointing them at the him, demand civilized behavior.

Organizations help women escape, help them get a new start. They offer safety, counseling.

Our system will not help the woman who chooses to honor her vows, nor even accept that it's a legitimate choice. If they arrest him, he goes to jail; they let him out and look the other way.

When he gets out, she's worse off than before. Now, he's really angry.

He's the one whose

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