by Claire Chock

Created on: March 10, 2009   Last Updated: March 11, 2009

When parents of a Christian teen notice black nail polish in the bathroom cupboard or punk hairstyle websites bookmarked on the computer, it can understandably cause concern. There's no need to worry though, here's some tips on how to handle your teen's exploration and explanations of what they might be going through:

1. Remember that the relation of religious skepticism to the punk and goth sub-cultures is only a stereotype and generalization. Just because your teen starts dressing alternatively doesn't mean they've broken with Christianity. ( I assume from the topic title that the teen is still christian). They probably have a good reason for associating with the style that they have, ask about it. For me,I associate with the goth sub-culture because I have a hard time relating to the mainstream, Abercrombie &Fitch, Hollister wearing crowd. I don't fit in with them and was never accepted by people in that group. I was accepted by goths, who by the way are awesome, they're really random in a fun way.

2. They may be questioning their faith, this is no cause for alarm. I questioned my catholic faith and did break with it but I never stopped believing and following Jesus which is what I think matters most in the first place. Please do not get defrensive or take offense if your teen starts asking 'why" questions or states uncertainty of belief. Invite questions so they come to you with them and don't have to struggle with it on their own. State your answers in a "here's my answer/what I think, and why" way. Being too authoritative may cause antagonism, defensiveness ans resentment on the part of the teen which you don't want. It may cause them to lose their faith out of disenchantment with the people who follow it.

3. Do NOT criticize or judge their decision on being punk or goth. That will for sure cause antagonism and endanger your child's faith. Besides, it is noones place to judge or criticize others in the first place since the Bible itself tells us not to judge others. Their style may not be in your taste but your teen isn't you and styles outside your taste aren't necessarily wrong unless they break the bounds of modesty. Obviously, it is within your right to stop your teen girl from wearing a mesh top that clearly shows their bra. This brings me to my next tip

4. Have a chat with your teen on the bounds of their style exploration, determining what's acceptable and what's not. Be open-minded enough though to make compromises where differences arise. Maybe your son wants a foot high mohawk in electric blue but that's uncomfortable for you so you let him have the mohawk half as high in black. Use the "here's what I think and why" strategy during ther discussion to prevent arguments.

5. Be respectful of their opinions. You've been picking out their clothes, feeding them, and monitoring their actions. Until now they've taken it for granted but now their at he age of wanting to get out from under your shadow and make their own decisions, figure themselves out with minimal help. Let them do that, set some mutual boundaries but let them, they'll respect you alot for it. Just be sure to maintain an open communication with your teen, they'll have questions that they can't answer and need the insight that someone older can give.

I hope this helps you in your relationship with your son or daughter. I welcome any comments anyone may have, please feel free to email me.

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