by Emme Setter

Created on: March 10, 2009

My loft bed squeaks at the slightest movement. If I lived in a more private apartment, this wouldn't bother me but I live in a Manhattan studio about the size of a college dorm room with two other girls. One girl happens to be my girlfriend of a few years. The other is my very best friend- who is also my ex. Not mentioning the obvious strain on our sex life- it's an interesting balancing act maintaing both relationships.

My best friend and I didn't have a strong relationship as a couple- our personalities aren't intimate-relationship compatible' and we spent a long time arguing and then not speaking to each other. This was all a long time ago, and I have a hard time remembering what my exact problems with her where, but I know the grudges where heavy on both sides and once it was over, all communication ceased. Time passed, close to 2 years and then- just as absolute as our break up, she was back in my life and indispensable, the same person I had dated but we'd put the past in the past and realized we where meant to be friends, that's why we dated in the first place. Now she is my closest friend and the person I trust the most.
Now that it's the three of us in the apartment, I won't pretend it's all easy, it's tempting to want to slip into best friend mode and ignore my girlfriend, and vice versa. I have to be careful not to make my girlfriend jealous, or give her any reason to worry about our relationship but these are all things expected in any relationship. I have to be careful to prevent any tension between the two of them and can't ever seem to take sides (even when I really want to!) These issues are all compounded because of our tiny living space, but any one dealing with an ex as a friend will experience similar things.

There are four essential questions to ask yourself before trying for a friendship with an ex:
1. Are we both past sexual attraction for each other, and if not, is it only a healthy amount?2. Are we both past grudges held during the relationship/breakup3. Will I truly value her friendship or am I seeking this for unhealthy reasons?4. Will this friendship adversely effect a current relationship- like your current girlfriend.

If a friendship between ex's is to be healthy, they need to be past all intimate feelings. Once they separate the person from the relationship they have just as much chance remaining friends as any other friendship- it is possible to move on.

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