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There are legions of Christians without a church. I am a Gentile and a believer in the man Jesus who appear as the Christ. I am not a member of any organized religion.

It was not always this way for me. As a child attending Sunday school, I had the nasty habit of asking, "Why?" Even then, I saw much conflict in the church and did not understand such conflict.

One example is that story of Cain and Abel, the brothers. My Christian family raised me to believe that one should work hard to succeed in life. Cain had worked very hard and where did that get him? Why did God choose Abel above Cain? It did not seem fair to me and I thought that God was just plain unfair. Of course, I could not go so far as tell anyone what I thought. Nevertheless, I had to question that story.

The Sunday school teacher gave the usual answer to my questions. "You just have to believe it. The Bible says it and you must believe it. You have to have "Faith". I could not pretend enough Faith just to believe what was obviously amiss to me. After a few short weeks of Sunday school, the Sunday school teacher asked me not to return.

If it made me feel like the devil's spawn, it was certainly something I could not tell my parents. Mom and dad, your church says there is no hope for me, sorry about that, your seed and eggs are deviled like some appetizer at some orgy. No, could not let them know that. Therefore, I spent my Sunday afternoons and my tithe money at the little store across the street. Buying candy and reading the comics off the rack until it was time for my parents to come and get me from Sunday school.

Now I realize it was not such a bad deal. That becoming persona non-gratis at the Christian church was much an actual blessing for me. Things Biblical are much easier to understand when the mind is not confused with things that conflict the very heart of the Christ message.

I had learned early to keep clear of the Christian church, which had refused me. I kept as clear of this "God" as I kept clear of my dad when he was drinking too much. That Judea/Christian Bible, I rarely touched the thing. However, I always kept this Jesus in my heart. I knew very well that this was the one person, this Jesus, who really loved me. I knew that Jesus was probably the only one who would ever really love me.

It was to this Jesus that I prayed. Most often, I prayed that he would intercede with God on my behalf. That God might make me normal. I always prayed in private, often with tears. My prayers, or

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