by Eden Gardner

Created on: March 08, 2009

A Perfect Romance? Forgetaboutit!: Ten Tips to Avoid A SUPER Mistake.

The fantasy:

He enters the room... Suddenly, you're aware of his presence and you turn to greet him; he's awestruck. You look stunning in that blue chiffon dress. He's quietly awaiting your attention; roses in hand, a beautiful white smile and a little black box with a diamond inside that says "baby, you're the greatest." He's a perfectly romantic and beautiful portrayal of the man in your dreams. He comes to you slowly, hesitantly, almost fearful that one look-one word from you will reject his advance. He's completely in love with you. He leans into you and kisses you gently on your soft, moist lips. You can feel the warm sweetness of his breath against your skin and you melt into his embrace; never wanting him to let go. As you're gathered in his arms, you can hear his heart, which is beating faster as he continues to hold you. He caresses you with his eyes...

"You're so beautiful," he whispers, and silently steals in for another breathtaking kiss. Your knees lock and you feel as though you might faint. He brushes a lock of hair from your face, as his dark sensual eyelashes lower while he takes in your form beneath the fabric of the gown. As he studies you, he breathes deeply and a murmur of longing escapes his parted lips. He buries his face in your neck. As you run your fingers through his fine silky hair, you beg silently; Please, don't ever let this moment end.

Oh, but it always does...

The Reality:

You wake up seven years later next to a bald-headed, overgrown gorilla; complete with bunions and bad breath. Your passionate lover now serenades you nightly with a fan-fart moonlight sonata; the melody which relentlessly penetrates that thick wall of blankets you have so precisely built like the Great Wall of China around your nostrils, hoping he will kill himself with his own stink before it kills you. His sweet embrace is now disgrace; as each time you pass him, he makes comments like "More cushion for the pushin', heh babe?" (followed by a crude slap on your bum), or the more romantic "You know you want it, baby!" as he's "gettin' jiggy wid it" while he dances naked in his bath towel, which he is now donning as a cape. All he needs for greater sex appeal is a pair of argyle socks. You again remind yourself how often your real man of genius doesn't "get any," yet somehow, you know he still manages to "get some" by himself. His "romantic" sentiments now include gestures of his already incredibly

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