by Denise Harris

Created on: March 07, 2009

I was raised in a competitive family. Who could shower the fastest? Who could make the most consecutive free throws? Who could make the highest grade? It was always a friendly competition. No pressure was applied and no tangible rewards were given. You just ended up with the satisfaction that you had succeeded.

Fast forward twenty years. I am now managing a family of my own. I have three children, ages 13, 10, and 8. The two oldest are girls and the youngest a boy. They are all competitive. Nobody likes to come in last, but someone is always designated the "loser", which is a term that I don't care for. Just because you don't place first doesn't mean you should carry the title of loser. My youngest, Parker, is a very poor sport. He cannot abide by losing and will pout, cry, whine, and basically ruin the whole experience for those around him. Being the youngest, I will admit that he usually comes in behind his sisters in most things. This is mostly due to the fact that they are older and are more physically and mentally adept than Parker. In general, his skills have not developed to their level. As a general rule of thumb, I remove him from the situation when he displays this type of behavior. Sometimes that works and sometimes it doesn't. I also model the behavior that we expect from him. I always congratulate the winner and lose graciously. I do not allow his older sisters to taunt or gloat about their winning status. In my opinion, you have not won if you have to rub your opponents nose in it. I also try to give him opportunities to compete in areas where he has a tendency to excel. He is a video game fanatic and can learn the ropes of a new game within 30 minutes. We all enjoy guitar hero and have family competitions on rainy days. Parker is almost always in the lead. He is a full level ahead of everyone else in the family.

To sum up, I enlist the following strategies/rules concerning competition within my family cell:

1) No gloating

2) No pouting/rudeness

3) Compete in different activities with different skill levels so that everyone has the opportunity to do well

4) Model appropriate behavior

5) Remember than winning and success have different definitions. You can do one without the other.

I think if these basic guidelines are following, my youngest son will become a gracious loser and humble winner, whatever the outcome.

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