by Daisy Rosario

Created on: March 05, 2009

Parents, divorced or married should never succumb to the idea of "sharing, consulting, nor venting" to their children about their spouse's (or ex-spouse's) shortcomings, faults, "did or did-nots". Children are extremely vulnerable to the view they have about their parents. Parents who target on their children about relational issues are manipulating their spouses through devious passive-aggressive behavior and rationalizing it to their children to save face and self-victimization.

As a teacher, I have seen one too many youngsters come to school with an acrid style, too disconnected, and with false masks out of protection for the shame they feel toward their parents who as adults can not or stubbornly refuse to confront one another with their personal issues. Dumping the vent on Johnny does not solve nor gain a sympathetic ear much less a shoulder to cry on. It creates a sense of insecurity in a child besides anger and hostility toward one parent and indifference toward another.

The thin line of respect is crossed and broken when a parent dares to consult a marital situation with their child. Arguments should be kept at bay as it is, then why risk your child's feelings of closeness and respect by sharing your relationship issues with him or her? Do you honestly think that a child is equipped to give you any kind of support? Do you really think that such child is mature enough to discern between the choices his parents make?

Manipulation is most of the time, one of the causes some parents decide to consult or share the problems they are having with their spouses to their young children; a form of victimization to gain sympathy or the child's favor in vote. Some parents use this manipulation as a way to explain or excuse their own irresponsible acts and decisions. Other parents, out of loneliness and lack of social life, see in their growing child a maturity they confuse with objective readiness. Parents are too close to a child's heart, toying with their already mixed feelings about growing up becomes an irrevocable slice of of the heart.

Depreciating the value of the other parent by bringing out fault and blame will not make a child's sense of belonging any closer to home, period! Parents who just refuse to accept parental accountability for their child's upbringing will feel it is much easier to blame the other parent for what should have been done or said. This is done out of fear of failure. Humans want to save face as much as they can. No one likes to carry the burden of a decision gone wrong. How in the world can we face our child and simply blame their parent for something we more than anyone have a major role in their acting?

Children are ours for us to guide in this world, we teach them to come to us for counsel. If we project bitterness, insecurity, and loss, they will not respect us as instructors nor role models; we may gain their pity instead. If we portray weakness, how can our children look to us for direction?

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