by Mali Farnsworth

Created on: March 04, 2009

Is it an engagement without the ring?

No, unquestionably, unequivocally, without question, there is no engagement without the giving and acceptance of a ring.

Now, to qualify, for those who deign this heartless, the ring in question need not be expensive, diamond studded, flashy, and or the guy and girl's dream piece of jewelry. 'Dreaming' is the problem here.

Sadly, young people, and old, as testified by the ever-steady divorce rate, have equated the giving of a ring, an outward symbol, with wealth. The ability to provide something 'traditional'.

This couldn't be further from the truth. Do people, as a rule, wait until they own, outright, a home before having children? Before asking a girl to dance? Before having sex?

No!

In the case of the latter, sex, young and old would do well to wait. This 'jump the gun' giving only promotes the mistaking of desire and very definite attachment for the stable, this-is-a-lifetime-contract mentality that should accompany thoughts of marriage.

Am I advocating arranged affairs, sterile unions bent on procreation and family ties alone? Absolutely not. But the inevitability of procreation and family should definitely not be excluded either.

Marriage is not about 'the couple'. Despite the commercialized warm-and-fuzzy rush, love and marriage is a societal endeavor. A lifetime union, complete with potential offspring and familial commitment is the reality of this relationship. To think otherwise, is to limit oneself to a Cinderella 'happily-ever-after' that, let's face it, nobody can say definitely how they ended up.

Do you want to get divorced?

Be heartbroken?

Do you want to consign your children straightaway to life in a ruined home?

Of course not. In light of current statistics, hell no is more the sentiment.

Then stop thinking you are 'so different' than the millions who came before. What pride! What ignorance. What delusion.

I say delusion because what person, that is one who has had more than one relationship, can honestly say that they have never been led to believe that lust was the real thing? None, I'd dare to say. Not a single one. And if you've only had one love, one true love, count yourself blessed. Get on your knees. Thank God Almighty. The next step on this blissful path - seek and heed well-intended advice from a firm believer in marriage. One who has been married for many years and to the same person!

Do this if that is what you truly want - a good and lasting marriage.

Vow right now, as a couple if you'd like, this very moment, to strike a balance between desire and duty. We do as much in every other aspect of our lives. What school will we attend. What company shall we keep? What job shall I accept? What restaurant do I want to patronize? Where would I like to live?

The theme here is thinking, planning, making a decided choice based on desire and the ability to obtain that desire...even after it is chosen. Or do we toss up where to go for lunch only to not go at all?

To the sentimental, I beg you, don't call shotgun on someone's life, or let them do as much with you, without a solid commitment as testified to by the giving and receiving of a ring. That's not fair.

If your intended or you need to wait for a 1.5 carat princess cut solitaire or somesuch token before showing you're taken, if you really need to wait before outwardly expressing said union, stay single. Wait and see what life brings. Wait and see what love, true love brings. You're worth it. And so is the one you think you care about.

That is if you really do care.

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