by Charlene King

Created on: March 03, 2009

Being a mother is something that I have always dreamed of. I could not wait to buy the cute little outfits and celebrate the holidays with a child of my own. For seven years my ex husband and I tried to start a family of our own with no luck. We gave up the hope and anticipation of having children. After a few years of living with the thought we would never be able to have children the unexpected happened and found out I was pregnant. The joy that filled me was overwhelming. I could not believe that I would finally have a child like I have always wanted. I told everyone that I knew of the joyous news.

Three months into the pregnancy I went into get an ultrasound and found out that the baby was in really bad shape. They told me that it was not able to go to full term. There was nothing I could do the baby just didn't make it. My heart dropped as they started telling me I need to schedule an appointment to take care of everything in a timely manner. Though the proof was right there in black and white I could not bare the fact that I had lost a child. I started getting other opinions in hopes that the first doctor was wrong. No matter where I went the truth hit me like a ton of bricks. My heart broke as they all told me there was no hope. I went through the appointment and went home feeling empty and lost. I didn't know how to deal with a loss like this. As I called family and friends the tears started to fall non stop. I could hear the pain that they shared but noone would ever know the true way that I felt at the moment.

Months went by after that dreadful day and the pain was still there steady and strong. I couldn't bare listening to another happy story of a friend or family member getting pregnant. I felt robbed of my motherhood. I would look at a baby and start to cry then want to hide away and be by myself. It was torcher to see the smiles and joy of the mothers. I wanted to be happy for them but I found it hard to share in it with them. I felt awful and selfish. Finally a friend sat me down and talked to me about the situation. Telling me that there was a reason I went through what I did. Sure enough few months after my husband left and it was a terrible battle. Regardless of how much going through a miscarriage hurt I am glad that I didn't have to put the child in the middle of an already bad fight. I could not imagine going through the full pregnancy and birth only to have him take the child from me. Still today it haunts me of what happened, yet I understand and accept more of what happened and could of been. I learn to take it one day at a time and to enjoy the children that are in my life regardless if they are not mine. There is still the empty void where the lost child was but the pain and tears have calmed down to almost nothing.

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