by Abigail Luftig

Created on: March 03, 2009   Last Updated: March 04, 2009

It's no secret that Valentine's Day is mostly about sales. How many boxes of chocolate can be sold? How many flowers can be sold? How many sappy, over-the-top, "my life began the moment I met you" cards can be sold? If there ever was a time when Valentine's Day was about love and romance, those days are gone. In today's society, Valentine's Day is mostly about sales. Luckily for us non-lovey-dovey types, Anti-Valentine's Day is also about SALES. However, Anti Valentine's Day SALES is not the exchange of money and goods, but a method of survival. In order to survive this day, you merely need to decide which Anti-Valentine you want to be.

Smart-Aleck Anti-Valentine - Smart-Aleck Anti-Valentines take delight in pointing out the morbidity and absurdity of Valentine's Day. SAAVs prepare for this day months in advance by loading up on little-known historical and cultural facts and retain them for when they will prove most valuable, usually as a response. For example, when someone wishes a SAAV a happy Valentine's Day, the well-prepared Smart-alec responds by saying that they don't condone the celebration of state-sponsored murder. When the fake-holiday well-wisher looks confused, the SAAV takes this opportunity to inform them that according to legend (and backed up by numerous historians), the original Valentine was a priest who defied Emperor Claudius II.

Back in the twilight years of the Roman Empire, Claudius II became convinced that unmarried soldiers were superior to those joined in matrimony and forbade Roman soldiers to marry. Valentine, ever the romantic, defied these orders and conducted countless clandestine marriage ceremonies. Of course, Claudius eventually caught on and Valentine was beheaded for his insolence. When the aforementioned fake holiday well-wisher responds with a look of horror at having their lovely holiday's name sullied, the SAAV will continue in their spirit-crushing by informing them that red (the traditional Valentine's Day color) also carries the connotations of sin (The Scarlet Letter, red light districts, being caught "red-handed"), communism (the Red Scare), debt (to be "in the red"), and deceit (red herrings). The SAAV usually wears blue as a subtle way of reminding people that they speak the truth and listens to truthful 'sorry it didn't work out' love songs, such as Bob Dylan's "Don't Think Twice, It's Alright", The Pogues' "Fairytale of New York", and David Gray's "Say Hello, Wave Goodbye".

Angry Anti-Valentine - Angry Anti-Valentines

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