by Docsynic

Created on: March 03, 2009   Last Updated: March 04, 2009

As a whole, we humans have a tendency to be very adaptable and resilient. It's probably one of the bigger reasons why we haven't become extinct. But just because we have the ability and the skill to overcome great obstacles, doesn't mean we like to. Very few of us actually like change. The majority of us prefer structure, and like to know what to expect from one day to the next. This is most prevalent in children. They don't just like structure and stability, they need it.

Divorce is accompanied by such change that it can leave one party, or even both, questioning their role in life. It is unfortunate that some define themselves by relationships, eg., 'I am HIS wife' or, 'I am HER mother', because it isn't ALL that we are, but a part of who we decide to be at that point in our lives. For children, however, it maximizes their emotional growth to have a clear and defined role, eg, 'I am my mommy's daughter', or 'I am my father's son', and 'WE are a FAMILY'. When roles switch, and children no longer have the security of identifying with the 'WE are a FAMILY', they become anxious, insecure, and scared. Though some divorce is inevitable, it is important for all parties involved to make the transition as easy as possible for their children.

It is sad but true that some couples will use their children as pawns for some means of revenge. Some will fight for custody for the sole purpose of hurting the other. Some will bad mouth their ex in front of their child in an attempt to gain alliance. People seem to forget that their children will love them no matter what. Both parties should always play fair. Isn't that what we teach our children?

In a 'healthy' divorce -if there is such a thing- where there is no domestic abuse, and other extreme issues (there are certain circumstances where it would be best to sever ties completely), we should remain as amicable as possible, and instill as little change as possible. It would be preferable for one not to move too far away from their child. Visits should be made easy, and convenient. One should not introduce a new partner to their child(ren) too early after a divorce. That's not to say that a person cannot still live their lives and appreciate their new found freedom, but my favorite term for this would be, 'keep it on the down low'. Children shouldn't be shocked with constant change. This would be the emotional equivalent to throwing our unsuspecting child into a batting cage.

However betrayed or angry we feel with our ex-spouse or ex-significant other, we need to make it a priority to not allow that to interfere with responsible parenting. We need to teach our children -through example- good coping skills, and how to maintain friendly relations...even if we feel like we hate that person. Our feeling will pass with time. But the effects that our responses are to those negative emotions will impact our children for a lifetime.

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