by N. A. Green

Created on: March 03, 2009   Last Updated: March 04, 2009

I never knew what kind of pain the loss of someone I hadn't even met yet could cause me, until I had a miscarriage.

What shocked me even more was how profoundly the loss would affect me, change me and transform me into a completely different person. This minuscule, unformed person changed my life in a way that I never imagined possible.

The day I found out I was pregnant was one of the best days of my life. As soon as that little pink plus sign showed up on the stick that I had just peed on (oh, the things we do as women) my world was brighter, happier and had more meaning. My husband and I had gotten pregnant on purpose and we were blessed enough to get pregnant on our very first try. I never knew such joy and instant love could exist. Suddenly, my body didn't belong solely to me. I now had to make decisions on behalf of the health of myself, and of my unborn child.

I know that there is a lot of debate on when a life really "becomes" a life but for me there was no question. As soon as I was aware of the presence of my child, I was in love. My baby was not an "it", it was not a "thing" or an "embryo". That baby was more important to me than the waking world. I carried myself with a sense of pride, and I felt at peace all the time.

My husband and I had seen our child's heartbeat on an ultrasound screen a mere three days before our loss. The flickering on the screen was a miracle. That was my baby's heart. I couldn't believe that I actually had not one, but two hearts operating and functional in my body! It took my breath away and astounded me. I read little facts and tidbits daily about the things that were going on in my body that I wasn't even aware of. My husband kissed and patted my stomach all the time. He was just as excited as I was to become a parent. Our child was so very wanted and loved.

We lost our baby at seven weeks gestation. It was, without a doubt, the most devastating and traumatic thing that I've been through in my life thus far. Suddenly spotting, and then having that spotting turn to full-blown bleeding was the most terrifying thing that I can recall experiencing. I wanted to scream, cry, and throw up all at the same time. How could this be happening to me? I did everything right. I didn't drink alcohol or caffeine, I ate healthy foods and I didn't smoke or engage in strenuous activities. I wanted to scream the injustice to the heavens; declare the unfairness to the universe and powers that be. How could my baby be taken away from me? What did

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