I walked from a friend's house 4 lights from crosstown to the old waffle house, then sat awhile. Seeking consolation from my oldest friends, a warm cup of coffee and the sounds of the few other patrons around me. When I arrived I was greeted by a smile and a friend I once worked with at a deli. She's very unhappy working there yet, I was glad it was her bringing my comfort beverage to me. Something I was so familiar with and spent many nights looking into wondering how I was going to clean this life mess or that.
While sipping my first cup she and I briefly talked about what was going on with me. I just wanted to crawl into the sugar canister and cry. I suppose it was a "woe is me" moment.
The second cup came, along with laughing at and with the other 2 people working there. Even swapping some dramatic stories about waiting tables. Sometimes I feel I can really relate to those girls since I worked at Betty's steak or breakfast to get a roof over my head so long ago.
Occasionally I would think, "I can stay here....oh, I could stay there...I can call my mom." I even contemplated getting on a bus and going off to Nashville or somewhere without telling a soul. Yet a part of me just wanted to walk. Go until I couldn't walk anymore. I had an extra set of clothes in my back pack and went into the bathroom at the waffle house to add an extra layer.
By my 3rd cup of coffee I was shaking. An older fellow who is disabled and seemed just as depressed as me sat down at my table. I waited on him at Betty's back in '98 and I've seen him slowly deteriorate since. He was trying to find someone to clean his house for him. Then muttered about how awful his life was, how things were never going to get better, and how he should just give up. Although I felt bad for the guy, this is not what I needed at the time. In a sense he actually made me feel worse about my situation. How am I supposed to get over there? It's a long walk from my house. After last night and due to my own obstinacy, I know just how long it is.
The fourth and final cup came and Randy was still sitting there. I wanted to make him feel better but I had nothing to offer, and was honest about it. He said, "well, it wouldn't have worked out anyway....." I watched him limp out the door, and felt amazingly numb. I sat quietly, finished the last cup and pondered what its like to live the life of a homeless person. I did live in my car once.... but I had a car and job, so there was hope. There was a lady getting an order to go, talking about her flight in, how they lost her luggage, and that scrambled eggs would probably hold up better in the journey to the hotel. I used to have conversations like that almost every week for a year and a half. I paid for my coffee and gave Kiki a dollar in quarters for a tip. She looked so sad, like she didn't want me to leave or was afraid of what was going to happen to me.
Across the street I went, on a mission for cigarettes. The mixture of cold air and all that coffee sent me straight to the bathroom. After a glare at my backpack and a look of dismay from the cashier, I took care of business then got my smokes while receiving same look of sadness and concern from the guy ......."Be careful tonight....."
I said, "thanks" as I headed out the door still undecided what to do with myself.
I walked some more, then stood in the middle of the bridge where Gloster crosses over McCullough trying to make up my mind as to where I was going. Although I was fairly close to another friends house, I wasn't yet ready to stop, then a thought ball comes,"I can't wake her...It's after 2am and I don't want to confuse her child in the morning...I wish I could've found my cell phone before I left the house. I can't remember anyone's phone number...only home, my Nana's, and an ex-boyfriend's......Arrgh, I don't even know my mom's cell number. I don't want to call HIM at home, I'm too angry. And I just can't call my ex..."
Down the hill I went, nervously watching a few late night arrivals pull into the hotels just off the exit. I slid a bit in the wet grass until I started sinking in the mud and water got into my shoes. "Great." "Just keep walking, 'till you get where you're going, do you got that pep in your step, are you flowing?" Words to a song I wrote, the tune bouncing in my head.
I walked aways more, my backpack growing heavier, and the cold slicing right through me. I took a swig of the Yeager that was left from the night before. I felt it warm my chest and stomach, "this is why homeless people become alcoholics..."
Once I got to the Natchez trace exit I decided it was time for a smoke. As I inhaled the nicotine, I looked around. "New Albany-> 22", shined at me almost mockingly. I remember thinking "man I've got a long way to go.....I can do this." The wind from a car that seemed to speed up just as it passed almost knocked me down. It was then I realized that I really was tired.
Unsatisfied by the taste of my cigarette and realizing that I stayed warmer if I was moving, I thumped the butt and kept going. As I was passing familiar streets memories flowed in and out of my mind. I remembered living on Mount Vernon when I was seventeen, the nights across the street from the golf course, even just driving those streets late night to get away for awhile...
Oddly enough I wasn't feeling sorry for myself, I had to laugh when the thought crossed my mind, "twenty-seven year old runaway." Parts of movies began playing in my head. A boy gets on a plane and flies to France, he lived on the streets awhile, got a job, and eventually grew up to become a big success in life and love. A man lands in a tree in the same woman's back yard twice. The first time he just wanted a new start. He was depressed, tied a bunch of balloons to a lawn chair and floated away from his old life until the fireworks sent him down in a surprise landing. The second, he jumped from an airplane in a parachute.
The movies to me represented starting over, which is something I have attempted many times. It's frustrating to always end up worse off than you were before...
I kept moving until I heard running water. I always loved the sound of it rolling over rocks and the occasional splash. I decided to enjoy it for a minute and have another smoke. It was nice while it lasted, then I felt the cold again. I situated my lunch-box purse and backpack, took another Yeager swig and kept going.
I heard a small dog barking angrily close to the antique store that's in an old house. I remembered HIM telling me about his fling with the owner and how she could spray breast milk at will even though she was is her forties. Later I made eye contact with a raccoon by a church until it ran away. I was almost afraid of it, I hear they are mean little critters. Then I realized that there was one more thing on my long walk that I had to look out for. Suddenly I was thankful that it was cold out, no mosquitoes.
I kept going, surprised at all the houses on McCullough that I never noticed before. "There's a big one with fancy lights, I wonder if they would shoot me upon finding me on their doorstep in the morning. I'm so tired. I just want to sleep."
There was small drive-in with a picnic table. I decided to rest for a minute. While removing my bags I wondered what the food was like there, what kind of people eat there and noticed the old charcoal grill sitting on the small front porch of the place. This time I didn't even feel like smoking. I just wanted the load off my back and shoulders that seemed to be getting heavier with each step. I watched a few cars pass by and was curious if the drivers noticed me sitting there. "Look at that crazy little girl, sitting out there in the middle of the night. There's a reason why she's stranded and all alone. I don't want to get involved in that mess..." I could almost hear them say as they sped by. Even though in reality I knew that they were probably too caught up in their own lives to even notice me.
The cold once again reminded me of its presence so I loaded up and continued moving. I heard a large dog and veered my eyes to the right to find that it was chained up. I could tell that it really wanted to get me by the way it was choking itself on the chain. It pulled and pulled in an extreme effort of futility. Sometimes I feel like that dog. I just need to figure out what exactly is holding my chain so fast and how to get free from it so I can get what I want.
"Storage buildings $25 and up", said one of the yellow arrow signs. "That's not a bad deal," I thought, "I need to come back by here and check it out." The phone number was on the sign, I was just too lazy and cold to write it down. Maybe I was just determined to sort other things out in my mind. I noticed about 5 of the doors open and contemplated taking a nap in one. "Nah. The concrete floor would be too cold."
More Yeager, more thinking and more walking. I heard talking and gravel clacking then saw two truck drivers pulling out of a local place. I wasn't sure if they saw me although part of me was beginning to wish someone would. "Maybe I should turn around and go back to the storage buildings..." I didn't, instead I remembered being disgusted by a guy years ago who wanted me to sneak into the Jim Walter homes to have sex with him because they left them unlocked at night. He never got sex from me.....I was glad I made at least one good decision in my life.
I was almost to Coley road. Finally, a place to rest and get warm. My purse was banging my legs and the bottle of Yeager in it felt as though it was bruising me with each bounce. I heard a vehicle slowing down, a maroon van, with all my heart I was hoping that it was Big Eddie headed to the truck stop where he spent many late nights sharing his gospel and trying to uplift friends in need. It wasn't. The guy rolled down his window and asked where I was headed. I stood there speechless and looked through his round framed glasses for a moment, then looked at the Shell station. I looked at him again, then turned away and continued walking. I had a bad feeling about this fellow and besides I was almost there.
I walked across the street and into the gas station. "Good Morning, How are you?"
"I've had better days, how about you?", I said heading to get a drink of some sort. No response, I suppose she noticed the backpack and the mud on my pants. I got the old reliable Pepsi and a ham and cheese hot pocket type thing since the biscuits weren't ready. I asked if it was okay for me to rest there awhile. I ate my breakfast and only drank two sips of my drink. "I could've gotten a smaller one, now my load is going to be even heavier", I thought to myself and at the same time I was really surprised that I wasn't all that thirsty.
A man walked in with a bounce and a smile on his face. He greeted me, I wanted to tell him how miserable I felt and ask if he could help me. I didn't. As he was getting his coffee and chatting with the cashier I hesitated to interrupt them.
"If I drink too much coffee it gives me the jitters, I just can't do it"
"I love my coffee, don't know what I'd do with out it." he said with a smile. I was jealous of his early morning perkiness. I wanted to be that happy about life when I woke up in the morning.
"Do you know what time it is?" I asked. She held up her wrist as if to show off her shiny silver dress watch, "Twenty-five 'til four". Once again smiling, he said" Counting down, Counting down."
"Thank you."
I still wanted to reach out to him as I was leaving. I could hear her tell him that I had been walking all night and was tempted to turn around and see his expression. The store was silent as I walked out the door.
"The truck stop isn't too far, I can make it," it was colder out than before. The streets of Tupelo were waking up and I had been going all night. "Maybe Brandon is at work, he'd give me a ride back I'm sure." I still didn't want to call HIM. I really didn't even want to go back.
I ran across McCullough to the Belden truck stop. As soon as I walked in the door the cashier took one look at me and walked as fast as she could to the bar on the restaurant side. "Odd." I followed her and asked about Brandon. No luck. "maybe I shouldn't have eaten." I walked across the parking lot and sat on a curb facing Tupelo. "I really have lost my mind haven't I?"
As I headed away from the lights of Tupelo, towards the over pass, I saw my shadow in the road signs. I walked under the bridges listening to the loud booms of the trucks and cars passing overhead. The headlights shined through the railings and adorned the massive concrete cylinders I was surrounded by in an almost eerie way. I was headed into the darkness and it wasn't comforting at all.
I kept going, the things that lay unsettled in my mind were my drive and my feet were the only wheels I had. I thought about how Buddha had left everything behind so he could attain his ultimate goal. The thin corduroy straps on my backpack were getting sharper against my collar bones and seemed to be making way into my muscles. I was tempted to leave it behind.
Being that I am human and a bit attached to my belongings; my portfolio, a Buddha, some clean socks, a few photos, the semi- fresh Pepsi, and my hygiene accessories. I opted to use my hands to lift the weight from my shoulders until my hands got too cold and continued into the darkness waiting for my eyes to adjust.
Cars were starting to go by more frequently and the shoulder of the road was growing narrow while the chunks of gravel got larger. The smell of the road and fumes reminded me of working at the equipment auctions. To avoid getting run over I would go to the side and stand in the gravel until the vehicle passed, sometimes using their headlights to get a view of the terrain a short distance in front of me.
When the woods seemed thick around me I would wonder about coyotes, opossums, and deer. I really wasn't all that concerned about snakes, even though the thought crossed my mind a time or two. I decided that my best protection was to keep moving at the pace I was. They would probably run from me as soon as my presence was noticed anyway. It was dark for quite awhile and I was grateful for the next street lamps I came to.
They surrounded a small factory. "surely the sun should be rising by now." I had a look around and found a sidewalk to rest on. I never thought a sidewalk could look so inviting. "What would the workers do if the found me here sleeping in an hour or so?" I stretched my back, smoked again, and went on my way.
More darkness aside the occasional light in a yard or car. It was especially tough to hold my ground when a semi truck would pass. It seemed the painted lines were softer to walk on than the pavement itself. I could feel the gravel protruding right through my shoes and only walked on it when I had to give the right of way to those hurriedly commuting to work. I heard several dogs barking in the distance. A white truck slowed down and gave the impression that it needed to go down the road I was about to cross. It turned around, and seemed to get away from me as fast as it could while I stood there watching.
I was almost glad they were just as afraid of me as I was them. Although I did catch myself saying, "please stop, please turn around ...even if you only take me a mile..." No one heard me. I thought about a past relationship and how the turnout never sat well with me. "Why am I walking so far to get to a place where I don't even want to be?" There were no payphones around for at least a couple of miles, calling anyone was out of the picture now. I had to walk.
A white car passed, then briefly slowed down. It had one of those spare tire humps in the trunk lid. A caddillac maybe, it kept going. The sun just wasn't coming up fast enough and no epiphanies had occurred to help me resolve the things that were bothering me. "I've got to get home and rest."
"Sherman corp. limit" "I'm getting closer, finally." I wasn't as close as I thought. The white Caddy slowed down again, this time on the opposite side of the road. "Need a ride?"
"Yeah, that would be nice."
"Where you headed?"
"Blue Springs"
"Let me turn around."
"Okay"
He turned around, I faithfully opened the door and carefully placed my feet on the clear plastic floor-mat. The Black and milds and Cognac in his car was almost overwhelming. I closed the door. Five seconds pass.
"You got any money for me to take you all the way?"
"No"
"You gonna at least give me head for the ride?"
"No, you can drop me off right here."
15 more seconds.
"This is as far as I can take you since you have nothing to offer, I just live down the road here."
"Thanks, at least you knocked 15 minutes off my trip and I got to rest for a minute."
I shut the door and he drove away. I was standing in Vic's parking lot but they weren't open yet. I walked across the street and inside another store.
"Is there a pay-phone close by?"
"About three quarter a mile down the road at Red Line."
"sigh..............Thanks."
I took a shortcut through the car-wash stalls, over a fence, and down a small hill hoping that I didn't see that man again. All the while thankful he respected my wishes and let me out of the car.
That was the longest, coldest, darkest, scariest 3/4 mile I have ever walked. "Lights! This must be it! Finally." I was fooled, it was only an intersection. A semi was coming along with three other cars. I stepped to the side and held on to the road sign to keep my balance, sure that this time I would fall over from the wind. The shoulder was narrow, the hill was steep, and I wasn't up for it.
When my destination was in sight it took all I had to walk that few hundred feet. I made it to Red-line Grocery and sat my things down by the pay-phone. A guy pulled in to fill the paper stand and left quickly. I just wanted to sleep there. I didn't want to call. I sat for another minute. "Maybe I can make it." The toll of the previous twelve miles was starting to kick in full force. Another vehicle pulled in, a woman this time. She smiled, tended another paper stand and left. I stood up sure I could go the last mile and gave in to my body screaming at me.
I remembered when phone calls were only a quarter and dug fifty cents out of my pocket. While dialing those seven numbers I halfway hoped that no one would answer. "Thank you, ring"
"I could hang up now",
"ring.........ring"
"I don't have enough change to make another phone call"
"ring"
"My Nana doesn't accept collect calls"
"ring.....ring"
"They're asleep, .......he found my note and left...."
"ring"
"Maybe he never even came back today."
"ring....click, you have reached 662-620...............at the tone"
"Beep"
"Hey, please pick up the phone.........hey please, I just walked like twenty miles I think....ple-"
"hello?"
I felt so small, so weak, why did I do this?
"Will you come get me?"
"Where are you?"
"I'm at the red line, I'm so tired"
"Okay, give me a minute...."
"Okay."
I hung up the phone, sat on my backpack and leaned against the brick wall. I watched a few cars go by. It was still dark outside and I considered getting up and walking. I remembered when I lived in my car and would call friends to vent my problems on a pay-phone. Sometimes sitting beneath one for hours or rolling the cord up in my car window while it was raining.
Still waiting, I came to the conclusion that he thought he dreamed the whole thing and went back to sleep or, was still angry at me and decided to let me walk the rest of the way. I picked up my things and got situated, took about twenty steps and there he was with the car windows still fogged from the night air.
I can walk twelve miles in one day and I've been so afraid to take a few steps at a time.