by Crystal Moon

Created on: January 26, 2007   Last Updated: October 31, 2008

When I was 20, I learned my father had an in-operable malignant brain tumor (cancer) and he was given four months to live. As I walked through those hospital doors before I found out he was terminal, not even the thought of losing him could compare to actually hearing the words of "four to six months". More importantly I didn't know how I could look at him knowing that I was going to lose him. I told myself I had to keep the sadness from my face so he could see my strength, because that was what he needed.

A couple months went by, he received radiation therapy, that didn't seem to effect him until it was finished. Thats when I went to meet him for breakfast and was faced with someone who resembled my father, but it had literally appeared the life had been sucked right out of him. His face was hollow and covered with red sores. My heart sunk right to my stomach as he smiled at me, so happy to know I came for a visit. But, again I tried to not let it show how sad I felt deep in my soul. I was faced with so many emotions, sadness, fear and happiness to be able to have known him at all.
The fear I felt was overwhelming, I was daddy's girl and soon I was going to be alone. What could I tell him other than "I love you" over and over again.
I had to watch him be treated like a child, losing all his dignity as everyone wouldn't allow him to live a normal life.
Although I tried to contain my sadness, I wanted to badly to tell him that it would be ok, so he wouldn't be scared. He never mentioned being sick, EVER. He never talked about what was happening. The happiest thing for him was when we went to the park, sat on a bench and fed the ducks together. Every time I was with him, I would wonder, if it was going to be the last time and what should I say?
Overwhelmed with such emotions, it is hard cause there is so much to say but you can't get it out. "I love you Dad" was what I could manage and I just had to hope he knew the rest of how I felt that I could not express in my words, but maybe through the strength of the hug I gave him at the end of each visit.

One day in October, started out normally, until I received a phone call from my brother (who I had never been close to) and he told me my father was missing.
I didn't understand what he meant, how do you lose a 64 year old terminal patient.
He told me that my father had gone on a hunting trip in Parry Sound with his old buddies. But, they had lost him trail riding and it had been 24 hours and the police were involved in a

• 1
• 2
• Next Page >>