by Jenn Balella

Created on: March 01, 2009

I believe the first signs of depression started when I was in late elementary school. I don't need a therapist to tell me what could have caused the psychological issues I am still experiencing today: shyness, school bullying, issues at home, and the sort. That is not to say that I had an awful childhood. My parents did a lot for me, along with my younger sister and brother; it was just that there was also a lot of tension in the house at times. My dad would be tired from work, so he would be stressed out, and then my mom would get frustrated with us kids when we acted up, which would lead to quite a bit of yelling and hurtful words in our house.

Besides the home issues, though, I believe what I had to deal with at school "scarred" me psychologically the most. As a quiet, small kid with hardly any friends, I was a prime target for school bullies, which varied each grade level, as obviously elementary school and high school bullying usually involve very different factors. I believe the bullying I experienced in middle school was the worse, however I definitely did not have an easy time in high school, either, and there were always people who did not exactly treat me so kindly. Because I had already dealt with so much by high school, I developed a loss of interest in school, along with other activities, which of course was part of my depression worsening, frequent suicidal and unwanted thoughts, blaming everything on my parents and resenting them, etc. I still struggle with these issues today, which can cause some major stress in my life and affect my relationships, but as I am now a student in college, I am trying to get back some control in my life and set goals for myself, both in career and pleasure terms.

What can be especially frustrating for me to have to deal with, though I have had to deal with this in the past, too, is when certain people do not even believe I have really have a psychological illness and that I am simply melodramatic and overly-sensitive. Because of this, I try not to bring this sensitive matter as much as I can. Sometimes I will let it slip every now and again, but then I will just try even harder not to mention it again. I realize all that matters, though, is that I know what I have been through, that I am not simply acting like a child, and I realize how much of an impact it has had on my life. Even though school bullying does not really exist in college, though not to say that not so nice people are not present, either (obviously that is present no matter how old you are and where you go- I realized that the hard way at my first job at a daycare), but I am still struggling with trust issues and the paranoia that someone is talking about me or making fun of me behind my back, plus I am still inflicted with depression, anxiety, and some other issues, so that could also affect my performance and attendance in my classes (though I am working a lot harder now at improving my grades). What can help alleviate my stress at least very slightly is my main hobby, which is writing, in addition to listening to music, getting out of the house, getting some new experiences into my life, which in my case include riding a crazy rollercoaster, biking, and rollerblading, and petting and playing with my cats, who I also find can be very good to talk to, since they do not say anything hurtful nor judge you.

I am sure that from all of this you can see why the main causes I would like to help with in some way include animal rights, 'stopping' school bullying (no, you cannot stop it fully, but at least making it aware somehow can be helpful), and helping people with depression and other mental illnesses.

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