by Susan Manning

Created on: February 27, 2009   Last Updated: February 28, 2009

I have a friend who believes jealousy is a sign of affection, the more jealous a lover is, the more they really care. I have seen her go through many painful relationships, the primary cause of the discord almost always unresolved jealousy. I have believed this myself, and experienced the same pain. It took me years to realize that the jealousy was not only unhealthy, it was dangerous.

I spent nearly ten years with a man who was extremely jealous. At first, he would ask a lot of questions about where I'd been and who I'd seen. I was touched, I believed I just meant so much to him he wanted to protect me. I also had compassion for him because he'd been wounded like that before. As his suspicions increased, I went out less and less. I didn't want to give him a reason to worry and hoped to prove to him I was trustworthy. It didn't work. His suspicions turned to accusations. He claimed he had reason to believe I was sleeping with everyone from neighbors to his own friends. Eventually, he became violent. In his mind, all women cheat, and this is the way to deal with them. I eventually ended our relationship, and it was over two years before I was ready to become involved in another, but, to this day, he still believes I left him for another man.

As the relationship crumbled, I realized why it was so important to me that he trust me. I am an honest woman. I was committed to our relationship, even through the hardest of times, I never considered looking to another man. I have never been unfaithful in any relationship and I never will. It is simply not in my nature to behave in such a way that will bring so much pain to someone I love. This is who I am. It is an aspect of my character I am proud to claim. I deserve to recognized and appreciated for it. I saw that his inability to trust me showed he didn't know these things that are so integral to who I am. He didn't know me. If he didn't know me, how could he ever love me?

Since then, I made the decision to demand to be trusted, I will never endure that insult to my character again. Nor would I involve myself with a man who does not display the same character. Today, I am happily married to a wonderful man who never questions my faithfulness, and I have no reason to question his. Building a successful marriage is hard enough, without allowing jealousy to bring unneeded challenges. I'm still waiting for my friend to feel the same way.

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