by Megan Risley

Created on: February 27, 2009   Last Updated: February 28, 2009

"You can't choose your family, and I'm going to venture that you can't choose your friends, either."

it seems like a radical concept - not being able to choose your friends. I guess, though, what the speaker of this quote probably meant was that you don't actually choose you friends - it's not that you can't, it's just that they seem to choose you. Friendship is a necessary component to life; we were made from relationship and friendship, and life can seem rather meaningless without it.

So, it really is worth it to walk and work through the personal issues that inevitably come up upon moving closer in relationship with another person. The bruises from the past are not easily healed. It is important to know what these hurts are, for when you can name them, they lose their power over your actions. When you name them, you can then choose what will influence your behavior: the thing no-longer lurking in the dark corner of your mind unidentified that causes you to fear, flee or fight? Or the current circumstances of the relationship? The first step to side-stepping internal issues is to name what it is that twists and shouts inside.

Once you've named it, you can place it. Does the issue - whether it is fear, anger, jealousy - hail from childhood? Is what is happening in your present merely a trigger back to that event or events? Triggering does not necessarily mean that nothing in the present is wrong, but an overreaction to a current event can be a sign that the fuel for that fire is really from the past.

Once you've placed it, you can act from the current set of circumstances. Past events can still be painful, but they don't also need to be so for BOTH people involved. If trust has been broken in friendship before, it is understandable that it might be difficult to trust again. But, holding someone responsible for actions they were not around for is unfair and simply perpetuates the internal struggle of trust. The term "self-fulfilling prophecy" has almost reached cliche status for a reason: focusing too much on your "stuff" inside can cause it to crop up on your outside, in friendship and relationship.

It may also be helpful to talk with others - even the other friend - about personal issues, insofar as you feel safe doing so. This can offer insight to the other person that may help them respond and relate to you, and they can offer the same insight about themselves to you. Understanding goes a long way in building trust and solid friendships, but understanding also comes from trust and solid friendship, so it is important to consider with whom and what you are sharing. Personal issues should never be an excuse to continue hurtful behavior; they can only be offered as insight.

Remembering that the past does not need to be the future, naming, placing and choosing are good first steps to beginning healthily in friendship. Of course, this does not mean that all your issues will magically go away, but it does help to take away their power to influence thought, feeling and action. If you can change your thoughts, you can change your actions.

Be gentle with yourself! It is important not to set impossible standards for yourself when you are crawling out of your injuries and issues. Healing is the most important thing, and it is time, not force that will bring this about: it cannot be forced, only invited. Healing is the ultimate desire so that you no longer have to continually "get past" your issues, but to finally be free of them to be fully alive in who you are.

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