by Victoria Tiegert

Created on: February 26, 2009

If you were sexually abused, you should tell your spouse. When you chose him or her to share your life, you did so as a complete person, who has had experiences that have shaped who you are today. One of those experiences is that you were molested. It is unfortunate, but it is a fact. There is no person who walks away from such a tragedy as the same person that they were prior to it. You are not necessarily a worse person, just a different one. You may have even developed an overcomer's mentality, which surely should be shared with your spouse.

Victims of sexual abuse will be prone to certain behaviors and feelings that may not be a part of a person's life who has not encountered an abuser as they have. Most of these changes come from the fact that survivors develop Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, as their brains are flooded with testosterone during this shocking and stressful experience. They may have difficulty trusting others. There may be sexual problems that reflect an inability to experience true intimacy. The victim may deal with low self-esteem issues or mental health issues, such as depression. There may even be physical problems that develop due to the stress that the victims feel almost constantly. None of these things are best dealt with alone in a bubble.

As a couple, you may want to consider seeing a counselor to help you build a strong marriage and teach you how to relate to one another. Marriage can be difficult by itself, but when you add the issues that an abuse survivor deals with, it is even more so. A supportive spouse can make a world of difference.

Hopefully, the person that you marry is your best friend, as well as your lover. They are probably the person that you trust more than anyone else and have at least a certain degree of admiration for. If you don't tell them, who can you tell? One of the hindrances to healing from sexual abuse is the shroud of secrecy some people keep it wrapped up in. They never talk about it, just keep it inside of themselves, allowing it to continue to wreak havoc upon you internally. This will come out one way or another. It can come out verbally, allowing you to work through the issue together with the one you love and are loved by, or it can come out actively, in a way that is confusing and distressing to a spouse who hasn't been given the opportunity to understand and assist you.

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