by Susan Manning

Created on: February 25, 2009

When our beloved children reach their teen years, it may seem to us that they have a dark side of which we'd been unaware. We begin to see behavior and attitudes we never expected, even in the best of kids. It's important for parents to remember that the disturbing things we see are not evidence of something dark and disturbing in our children, but an acting out of the darkness they feel around them. Understanding the issues your teen faces will go a long way toward helping them through these years.

The biggest challenge facing most teens is finding out who they are and where they fit in. Today's teens are continually exposed to conflicting messages from a variety of different sources, family, school, friends and now on the internet. Traditionally, it has been primarily the family environment that shapes our personality, but as family structures have changed, so has the effect they have on a developing adolescent. These days, parents are less available to their kids, with busy work schedules, sports and social activities it's often hard to find time needed to connect with our kids. Making it even harder is the growing number of children being raised in single parent homes, especially if the absent parent is uninvolved in the development of the children. Even those kids who spend time with both parents will likely find themselves being taught two different sets of standards. It's no wonder teenagers are confused about who they are and where they fit in. Too many of them have parents who may be spending time with them, but failing to provide the guidance needed to help them develop the character they will need to get through life, leaving them to search for it on their own.

Whatever we teach our kids at home, they will go out into the world, and are exposed to ideas and values we cannot control. Most of these will come from their peers, who are experiencing the same uncertainty they are, acting like they've got it all figured out. While good friendships are important to anyone, especially teens, they are likely to bring challenges. They adopt beliefs and values from them, too, and these can sometimes lead them into difficult situations we hadn't thought to prepare them for. When this happens, they may be left feeling betrayed, by the friend they trusted, by the parents who are supposed to keep them safe, by themselves for trusting. An attempt to gain approval from their peers may fail, convincing them they are not as good as everyone else. Maybe they get the approval, which can make them feel guilty for faking it. These are profound emotions for a kid, and many of them find it hard to understand them, much less work through them. It's hard to know who you are when you can't even figure out how you feel.

If family and social relationships are not enough to deal with, there is the impending adulthood and the sense that they need to be ready to run when they get there. Kids are being encouraged to make decisions concerning their entire life at an earlier and earlier age. They have to choose a career for their entire life, decide on a major in college, decide on a college, decide what activites and involvements will look best when applying, and this is just a beginning. These are tough decisions for anyone, let alone someone who hasn't quite figured out who they are, what they want, and what they have to offer.

The teenage years are a time of unseen possibilities and that so much is unknown makes it seem shrouded in darkness. No child should go through this alone, they need guidance and someone to help light up the darkness. As parents, that is our job, but we can't do this if we are not taking the time to understand what our kids are facing. We are the light they need.

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