by Catherine Nickerson

Created on: February 25, 2009

Parents can't build strong bonds between anyone. They can only create situations in which strong bonds can form and then get out of the way. The idea of parents being responsible for the relationship of siblings is a result of the 'helicopter parent' mentality pervasive in this society.

A bond between two people is not a spider web that starts at the mother and reaches out to the whole family in an orderly fashion. A bond is a thick rope connecting two people around the waist. We each have different ropes out to different people that are tied with different knots, and those of us that are lucky have so many ropes aroundtheirtorsosthe sometimes feel unable to move around. There is no way for a person to tie a rope around two other people. The other people, no matter the age, will duck out of the way, wiggle too much or just get down right angry at you for trying to tie them to another person. It isn't because they don't want to be tied to them; they just need a rope special to the new relationship.

This doesn't mean a parent has no control over the situation. It's the parent's job to present ropes of different materials, different colors, and different thickness. For example, an older child is constantly being ripped off by the three year old. Both screaming children go to the person in the house who controls the ropes very distraught. These children feel a need for something, but they don't know what. They are upset because they care so deeply. What they are seeking is not the toy. One of them needs a rope and is letting the other know they need them at the other end. All the parent hears is screaming, tears, and anger.

The parent wants this to stop, but it won't until the right rope is found. Our parent's parents would force the two to find their own rope by locking them in a room together until the two solved the problem. You may not feel comfortable with being the jailor, so try the more passive method of ignoring the two (until blood flows of course). If you feel the need to help somehow, present different ropes. The older child might only need to be told that the younger admires and loves them so much that he/she needs her belongings; it's a thin rope that won't last long, but it might work for a while.

The key for two people to own find the just right rope is for everyone else to stay out of the way. This is particularly difficult for women and therefore, mothers. But, none the less, it is key. The ropes children tie to others often break or knots fail, but the child will not know what works until they discover on their own what doesn't work. It's in the home where this experimentation needs to happen with people who will still be there in the morning even if they have no ropes tied to anyone who is also waking up in that house.

Parents have a basic understanding that the children can not control the ropes that tie mom and dad. The children must stay out of it. But, the parents think they need to control the ropes that tie the children together. This policy is aninconsistencythe children see loud and clear. Yes, the children seem to want someone else to choose the rope, choose the color of the rope, and even tie the knot. They haven't yet learned that other people can't help them build relationship.

Stop being the helicopter parent who hovers over all therelationships in your child's life because the weakly tied ropes will eventually get caught up in your rotor blades crashing you down to earth.

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