by Meena Menezes

Created on: February 25, 2009

INVISIBLE WOUNDS

She was impeccably dressed. Yet she looked totally out of place and distinctively uneasy, standing in the hallway.
I approached her with a smile, then made her sit down and waited.

As a volunteer at the centre for victims of domestic abuse, here in Canada, it was my job to greet those who came in, get some basic information and then let them see a counsellor.

It was the weekend, there were scores of women that day and she had to wait. I couldn't imagine someone of her standing being there.

She looked well-to-do, given the brand-name suit and shoes, the jewellery and make-up that she was wearing. I wondered what her story was as I saw her nodding her head from side to side, while deep in thought.

I have over the last few months been exposed to such heart-wrenching stories of violence here at the centre, that it leaves me sick in the stomach.

While she didn't show any visible signs of physical violence, her eyes gave her away. They were sad, her face was etched with pain and she looked like she desperately needed to talk.

"I can't take it anymore!," she said, while sipping the cup of coffee I gave her.

Without even waiting for me to ask for details she continued to speak about her situation. It made me realise that when we talk about domestic abuse, we immediately associate it with physical abuse. Yet, there are other kinds of abuse that can affect a person to a point of destroying them and that is mental and emotional abuse.

Physical abuse is easily identified. There is no doubt, because the bruises and scars are visible evidence that abuse has taken place.

Emotional abuse is different. The damage is internal and there are no physical bruises or scars, just a wounded spirit and diminishing self-esteem.

Irrespective of the kind of abuse, many, like this lady, continue to stay in the relationship because of cultural beliefs, economic factors and personal fears.

Each of us occasionally feels the sting of very unpleasant language from those who are closest to us - spouses, employers, friends, relatives. However, what is even more abusive and destructive is the frequent and repeated use of unanswerable questions, scalding accusations, sarcasm, insinuations and even icy silence.

It leads to escalating arguments and physical violence. It cuts to the very core of a person, creating scars that may be far deeper and more lasting than physical ones.

In fact research has found that one aspect of emotional abuse is that it eventually brainwashes the victim and can have far more of a serious physical and psychological impact.

It slowly eats away at the victim's self-esteem until she or he is incapable of judging the situation realistically.

The bottom line is that no one deserves to be abused. Victims also need to remember that they are not alone and it is not their fault. Each and every individual - men, women and children - must be educated and assured of their value and worth as human beings.

Perhaps then we can work on breaking the cycle of abuse in our society and make better lives for our future generations.

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