by Diana G. Lea

Created on: February 25, 2009   Last Updated: April 30, 2009

What an incredibly complex question. On one hand, children do not have the perception necessary to understand what is amiss with the grandparent. On the other hand, the child may be deprived of precious memories with their grandparent. Of course, if the grandparent is a danger to the child then the child should either be kept away or closely monitored. In many cases, however, the grandparent is not a danger and will require only nominal supervision.

Many people suffering from Alzheimer's or dementia will still be able to relate to the child because in their mind they are children also. We found with my mother that it was calming to her to have children around that looked like she did when she was small. It made her feel like she was with relatives, which she was, just not the relatives she was remembering.

Children are so much more resilient than we give them credit for being. And the love that a grandparent has for a child should not be diluted because of an illness over which neither have any control. Some of the most cherished pictures we have are of the babies sitting on Granny's lap. My mother continued to love holding babies. She would croon to them and talk to them, making them laugh. She also retained her knack of taking a fussy baby and quieting it.

Perhaps you are thinking, "She thought she was playing with a doll," because that's what we thought, too. One of her granddaughters bought her a beautiful baby doll that was so lifelike it could almost fool an adult. Maybe it could fool some but not Mom. When I came to take care of her that weekend she asked me, "You won't make me sleep with that doll, will you?" I was surprised because I had been told that she loved the doll and wouldn't give it up. I told her "No, not unless you want to. I thought you liked the doll." "Oh, they bought me that doll and it's pretty, but they act like it's real. I only sleep with it to make them happy." My mom was taught to be gracious a trait that she carried with her until the end of her life.

It was not until the last year of Mom's life that she became unable to interact well with those around her. We took steps to protect Mom and the children at this point by making sure she was not left alone in a situation where she did not feel safe. We could tell from her body language when she began to get agitated. One of us would then go sit next to her and she would calm down. My brother, sister, and I were no longer her children. We had become her siblings and she recognized us as being part of her family. As long as one of us was in sight, she felt safe and could interact well with others.

I firmly believe that the grandchildren and great grandchildren in our family benefited as much from the time spent with Mom as she did. I stand firm in the belief that my mother's last days were made more palatable to her by being able to see her grandchildren and great grandchildren.

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