by Christine Sandor

Created on: February 24, 2009

Separation Anxiety, on a mild level, is common with younger children. As they take those first steps towards autonomy they will look over their shoulder to ensure that you are still where they left you. It only becomes a problem when your child clearly is unable to cope with your absence.

Leaving your child at the day care or preschool those first couple of times can be a painful experience for you both. Allowing the teacher to take over as you walk away, will tug at the heart strings. It may even tug again when the teacher lets you know your child stopped crying four seconds after you disappeared around the corner and promptly began to finger paint with the rest of the children. This is normal. Your child soon learns you may leave for awhile, but you DO comeback.

Separation Anxiety that is more prolonged or develops as a result of a loss in the child's life or extended absence of a caretaker is more of an issue. When their father died, each of my children, especially the youngest who was only seven at the time, suddenly were too "sick" to go to school, would not attend play dates or overnights with friends. As a mother I was concerned, as a clinical social worker, I understood completely.

Children first and foremost need a sense of security. They need to understand that you will be there for them. It becomes difficult sometimes to ensure especially if there has been a loss of another parent or caregiver. "How do I know you are not going to die too, Mommy." Saying I had no plan to do so was not an option, neither had their father. The best that could be done was to remain consistent and available as they needed me.

Pictures and items of mine were important. I allowed everyone to take a picture in their backpacks and wear either a piece of my jewelry or take something along that reminded them of me. These were items that when they felt as if they were having a difficult time, they could take out and look at, or hold and be reminded that I would be there after school to get them.

Special arraignments in some cases need to be made with the schools and/or day cares. Allowing the child time to call and check in. Lunch time for my youngest was the time he was allowed to go to the office or the nurse and give me a call. I made certain I was available and though we kept the conversation it was enough to help him know, I was in fact available.

Children who have been in foster care a great deal are also prone to severe separation anxiety. In some cases the anxiety becomes what is known as "Reactive Attachment Disorder." RAD, as it is called, is an anxiety based attachment to caretakers and often time any adult figure. Children with Reactive Attachment are attempting at all costs to connect with a stable caretaker. Their anxiety levels upon separation from current caregivers are more difficult to ease as history has in many ways shown them that caregivers are inconsistent.

For children with separation anxiety validation of their feelings is crucial. Check-ins, holding on to a picture or item of their caregiver and consistency from their primary caregiver will put them on the road to ease and wellness

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