Mr. Nice Guy. A term that has, somehow, become more of an insult than a compliment. Nice guys are too clingy, nice guys are too needy. Nice guys have no life, and nice guys are too sensitive.
Well, ladies, as a guy that has lost more than a few relationships for being "too nice", I am here to try and clear the air, and hopefully kill the negative connotations that comes with being Mr. Nice Guy.
I can remember my very first real, long term relationship. It was in high school, and I was just head over heels in love with this girl. So much so, in fact, that I would do anything she asked. I bought her anything she wanted. I let her practice hair styling on me. I even built a playhouse for her sisters.
She dumped me because I didn't want to cut the grass for her parents the morning before we were going out of town. I didn't want to drive across country sweaty and covered in dirt and grass. I was devastated. I had no idea what I had done wrong.
She came back to me not long after that, but even then, it was only temporary. Eventually, she told me that she left me because I was too nice. She said that if I were that nice, I must be up to something, because there is no such thing as a nice guy.
Several relationships, and several more breakups for being "too nice" later, I thought I had it figured out. I thought that by being too nice I was becoming a pushover. Friends would tell me that I needed to get "WELCOME" tattooed on my back, because I was everyone's door mat. Female friends would tell me to stop trying so hard, because it really made women think I was doing something behind their backs.
The next relationship, I tried so hard to be indifferent. I never went out of my way to be "too" nice. And I suffered for it. I actually discovered that I was not happy, unless I was making someone else happy. I genuinely would get pleasure from being nice to a woman. She dumped me as well. Said I was surely cheating on her, because there was no other reason to be so nice to her.
I spent a lot of time alone after that. I decided I really needed to figure out what was wrong with being such a nice guy, and how I could balance being a nice guy, without being "too" nice of a guy.
Here are the things I decided would help:
MEN: Learn how to balance. If a man can balance his relationship with other interests, and also can learn how to balance being nice as well as saying no, he will be good at being a nice guy, that is not TOO nice.
Be confident in yourself. A nice guy is always going to win in the end, it just sometimes takes longer than usual.
Get a life! If you have a life outside of your relationship, you will naturally start to balance your relationship and your interests. By doing so, you will not be smothering or over-attentive.
Learn to say no. Sometimes, a nice guy is willing to do ANYTHING to make his partner happy. As nice as this is, it will eventually lead to becoming a pushover.
Learn to say yes. Sometimes, nice guys tend to give up things that their partner does not enjoy. This only harbors resentment in the end. Hold on to those things you enjoy, even if your partner doesn't understand it, it is who you are. If your partner cannot learn to appreciate you with that love, they are not the right partner for you.
Don't be afraid to have an opinion. Always agreeing with your partner ends with you becoming, not only a too nice guy, but a yes man as well. This may be great for some people, but it will always end in you being taken advantage of, and left behind.
Stop! Tell that girl that you love her, but stop before you say too much. Let her know how you feel about her, but don't let her know how you feel about her twelve times a day, in her email, text messages, MySpace, Facebook, and Instant Message. Save that for once a week.
WOMEN: Learn to tell that nice guy when he is being overbearing. A lot of times, nice guys don't know when they are being overbearing. Simply saying something like "babe, step back for a second. its getting tight in here," will let that man know that he needs to take it easy.
Never assume that he is nice because he is hiding something. Just because a guy is nice, that does not mean he is cheating on you, or trying to take advantage of you, or is trying to rein you in and dominate you. There are actual true to life nice guys out there.
Encourage him to share his opinion. Let the nice guy know that his opinion is important to you, no matter what it is. You two may not agree on everything, and lets face it, what a boring life it would be if we were dating an exact copy of ourselves. A gentle reminder that his opinion counts will help that nice guy remember that he doesn't have to agree to stay with you.
Let him do nice things for you, but do nice things in return. Whenever that nice guy is doing nice things for you, return the favor. If he cuts your grass, rub his shoulders afterwards. If he takes you out shopping all day, end the day at his favorite bar or restaurant. Even just giving him a kiss and telling him thanks, and you love him, will be more than enough.
Forgive him. Whenever that nice guy gets too nice, or seems to be smothering you, let him know, but don't hold it against him. He may genuinely get pleasure from doing nice things for you, and not even know that it is making you uncomfortable. Just let him know, then forget about it. Eventually, you will help him balance the loving, with the space.
Encourage activities outside of the relationship. Tell that guy that he can go fishing with his friends for the weekend. Let him go out for drinks a coupe of nights a month. Don't expect him to do everything with you. Even if it is just working on that car in the garage he has had since he was a teenager, giving him something to do, other than you, will help him learn to give you some space.