by Nancy Silveria

Created on: February 23, 2009   Last Updated: February 26, 2009

I have heard many say it at one time or another. I thought it a silly dramatic thing to profess. How could anyone feel lonely in a crowd? I mean the noise alone would set my mind to curiosity. Wouldn't it? Add to that the diversity that usually abounds whenever people gather, and you get a great deal of stimulation. How does loneliness crash such a party? Imagine my surprise when he strutted by me in the middle of a baseball game at playoff time.

There I was at Fenway, a hot dog and beer in hand, and a friend on either side. The crowd sang Sweet Caroline, and I swayed my hands in time. Still, the dark isolation permeated me, and I began to long for what?

Being a writer, as soon as I got home, I headed for my study. Of course, I turned to Webster; I must have erred. How could the definition of lonely mean being without company, when there were tens of hundreds there? My dictionary revealed more to me. Lonely could mean solitary or lack of companionship. Since I had friends accompany me, I turned the page.

I read secluded and unique. I pondered these. I never considered Fenway secluded or myself unique. To be fair, though, I looked them up. Unique brought me back to solitary, so I turned my hopes to secluded. Sure enough, what I felt was there. I didn't feel lonely, I felt isolated, separated from the rest. My fingers drifted to the letter I, and I read isolated's entry. The newest definition found was secret.

I had sat at Fenway in isolation, though one of many in a crowd. I understood now. Short of clinical depression, which can cause this sensation often when left untreated, it occurs in almost every healthy individual from time to time. So, why does it happen unexpectedly? Why don't we recognize it?

That's where secret comes into play. Upon reflection, I realized I didn't really care for baseball at all. The Boston Redsox-New York Yankee rivalry was what interested me. My mom and I always took opposing sides, making luxurious bets for dinner to have fun. So there I was, with tens of hundreds, at Fenway without the Yankees or my mom. It seemed simple to me suddenly.

If you feel lonely in a crowd, and you can rule out clinical depression, then look for the secret. Take a good look at yourself. Examine all the pieces that come together to make a whole. Make sure all your needs are met, and that what motivates you to be there in that particular crowd is in your best interest. What you suffer from might just be lack of self-awareness.

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