by Joseph Wardy

Created on: February 22, 2009

All of us, in varying degrees, suffer from the " if only " syndrome. Examples: If only my mortgage were paid. If only I had an understanding boss; if only my kids appreciated me ( but treat them well , as they will pick your nursing home ). You get the point.

This essay will focus on the "if only" and make connections of that attitude as it relates to suffering, unhappiness, happiness and joy . To begin, the "if only" always focuses on the external which causes suffering. As opposed to suffering, pain represents the realities of life. Examples: death of a loved one, loss of job, house fire etc.

Suffering , however, is a result of our grasping and attachment to the " if only". It is not wrong to seek a promotion at work. We suffer, however, when the lack of a promotion causes the emotionally crippling behaviors of resentment, anger, jealousy, isolation and alienation. This kind of behavior is damaging to our emotional well being.

I'm suggesting here that suffering is a prerequisite in our perception of unhappiness. And this unhappiness is connected to results that do not match our expectations. From a dual perspective, the flip side to unhappiness is happiness. Problem: The nature of happiness and unhappiness both depend on external events. Example: When my daughter got married, I was vwery happy. When I got the bill, I was very unhappy.

Suggestion: Our well being consists of an inner peace and liberation known as joy. Let us begin by dispelling what joy is not. Joy is not the temporary pleasure of an entertaining television program or comedy show. Joy is not the temporary happiness of an excellent performance review at work. As a starting point, joy is a departure from Western thinking as it incorporates the acceptance of events and circumstances. This is not surrender but rather a living in the moment without complaint or opinion with full effort toward improvement within the reality.

Joy is also an attitude of gratitude. People who are joyful see difficult coworkers, spouses, kids, and bosses as "master teachers. These people practice the following quote: "We find comfort with those we agree with and growth from those we don't". Joy also puts the analytical process of critique, evaluation and judgment ( when possible ) and replaces it with choice-less awareness, acceptance and observation. In closing, please consider the following quote: " Joy is what's happening right now minus our opinion of it"!

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