by Jim Markley

Created on: February 21, 2009

If you really want to feel better about yourself, simply pop in to your neighborhood Walmart. You are bound to see a collection of mutants that will truly make your skin crawl. On any given Saturday the local Wally-world is a refuge for the lost and disaffected among us. (I hope they were disinfected). Women with no hair, men with no hair on top, (but LONG mullets) and both sexes with no teeth.

The "bargains" are endless. Name-brand cologne with just enough liquid in the bottle for about two squirts, cat litter in a 500 lb container that even the steroid freaks in baseball couldn't pick up, books I never heard of by authors I never heard of, and of course, clothing of all shapes and sizes (most of it with the Nascar logo on it).

I usually stop in to pick up cat-food or shaving cream and end up impulse buying a trampoline or a set of new snow tires. The place is DESIGNED so you must traverse the entire 3 square mile display area before reaching the checkout lines. On Saturdays there are usually approximately 7 million customers in line at my Walmart, of course, they always have at least two registers open for our "convenience". For those of us who are technologically savvy, they also have "self-checkout" aisles available, which NEVER work right. They have a staff member sitting in a chair RIGHT in from of these electronic demons to fix it when the scanner charges you $47.50 for a pack of gum and a Pepsi.

The parking lot is an even bigger disaster. Full to overflowing with pick-ups and McCain/Palin stickers and closely resembling an urban battle-field. They WILL run you over if you step out in front of them, they WILL "tap" your car if you take a parking space that a Sasquatch in a bathrobe and hair-curlers was "saving", they WILL force you to buy something from the multitude of groups who guard the front door in the name of charity. I personally can only stomach so many ribbons, fake flowers or moldy girl-scout cookies.

They do at least have an automotive department where you can get your oil changed while you spend money on all the "falling prices". This sounds great but my experience has usually been to have already spent all my cash, used my debit card on a snack of rubber pretzels or toxic cotton-candy and looked at all the cd's in the "bargain" bin before my name is called stating that my car is done. At this point I am usually late for dinner at home and hurry out (avoiding the beggars at the door, and the demolition derby in the lot). Which is when my darling wife tells me we are out of milk and she can't finish the potatoes and,"can you please go back out and pick some up? Walmart has their gallons on sale"

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