by Joyce Good Henderson

Created on: February 21, 2009   Last Updated: February 23, 2009

Confrontation can be a positive step ending a disagreement between two persons and repairing the relationship. Preparation is a key element.

Take time to think through the situation and your feelings about it. Write down what you feel and want to say to the other person. Define what is negotiable and what is not about your position. By going slowly, you can minimize gut reactions, which tend to be negative because they arise from a self-defensive posture. It may help to talk things over with an impartial third party, as long as confidentiality is maintained. Be sure to tell the third party you are brainstorming and not looking for advice or solutions.

Decide if there is a problem, and whose it is, and if you want to work toward a resolution. Keep in mind there are those situations where an effective solution involves walking away from the problem. With this choice, you may need to acknowledge that you cannot always make a relationship flow at an even, pleasant pace, but you may need to learn to relax amid stress. Take charge of your daily life and add stress reducers.

Schedule an adequate amount of uninterrupted time in a non-threatening, neutral place for a meeting. In preparation for the meeting, keep in mind these principles:

Negative feelings exist before negative actions. It is necessary to deal with emotions, as well as behavior. A popular saying holds that people do not care about what you know until they know that you care.

Unmet needs are always the most important needs at any given moment. People act consistently with their beliefs, therefore, it is helpful to examine what the other party views as reality.

People resist change. Most agreements involve asking for change, yet change threatens the most basic of instincts, survival. You cannot change another person, but you can build your own strength and professionalism, and defuse your own stress in difficult times.

Cooperation flows from respect. Poor working relationships exist when there is a lack of trust, support and respect. Even when you disagree, you can still respect the other person. Look for something positive in that person and build on that.

When you meet to resolve a disagreement, observe these ground rules:

History is history, deal with current problems only

Limit the confrontation to one problem at a time

Meet in a neutral location, preferably at a table

Avoid interrupting each other

Agree to seek solutions acceptable to both parties.

Throughout the meeting, listen. Listening is the most powerful

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