by Jan Deelstra

Created on: February 20, 2009

Is it possible to live without regrets?

There was a time when I told anyone within earshot that I have no regrets in life. It was a sincere, not-from-the-ego statement. What good could possibly come of regret? What is, is. What has happened is done, and no amount of regret will change that fact. There is only this moment, the now that is at any juncture. Each instance is elusive and gone before it is identified, and then comes another now. Content, I lived by a lyrical quote from John Lennon that says something like, "we can never be where we're not truly meant to be." There are then, follows the reasoning, "no accidents" in life.

My life is not one to be defined as "easy," so let's be very clear that "no regrets" does not mean no challenges, no losses, no pain, no horrendous events that I would love to change. There are many things that have happened that I would like to have not experienced: The death of my father before I was old enough to talk; the unexplained death of my brother far too early in life; the stunning death of my son to suicide. There are relationships that came and went and I've wondered as to their point or purpose. There have been jobs and careers and educational achievements here and there. Some seemed valuable and many created huge debt that I still repay with disgust; others, I cherish. Maybe I regret going into debt for an education, but having said that, I'm reminded of a children's book, Zen Shorts where the readers are enlightened to see that when we perceive things as having gone "wrong," it may not necessarily be so. "Maybe," there is a reason, an opportunity to follow that would otherwise have gone unexperienced.

To "regret" would be to imply that I had done something "wrong," right? Having regrets means an event is distasteful, is unacceptable for whatever reason. Regret is an expression of loss and maybe even guilt. Do I have guilt? Do I feel loss? You bet I do. Do I have regrets? Maybe.

Maybe I regret squandering my youth on rainbow chases, regret not planning well enough to ensure a secure future, regret living so much in the "now," for believing what was so touted as being the way to embrace life.

Maybe I regret having not followed my dreams of graduating from Berkeley and becoming a renowned psychotherapist, or regret not turning my love of decorating into a lucrative career, and maybe I regret not sticking to the task at hand when life disrupted me, spinning me onto another set of tracks.

It goes without saying that maybe I regret not being there to stop my son when he pulled the trigger; maybe I regret not knowing he was in that mindset; maybe I could have stopped it.

The truth is, we cannot change the past and maybe we are not supposed to have regrets. Maybe everything rolls out exactly as it is supposed to, and we learn whatever lesson the event contains. Maybe we would not be who we are if not for the cumulative effects of our subjective "regrettable" experiences.

Perhaps to regret is to invite worse. Maybe, it really is all perfect. No regrets.

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