by Jan Deelstra

Created on: February 20, 2009   Last Updated: March 04, 2009

Multiple Sclerosis steals the memory as it steals the balance as it steals the energy...as it steals life as it once was.... Lord know I have tried to ignore the diagnosis, to pretend the demon thief does not reside in my brain's cognitive function, doesn't rear an ugly head affecting my ability to walk or run without dropping my foot, causing me to trip ~falling like a slapstick clown. For over half-a-decade I have hidden the facts, buried the medical advice to self-inject, and whenever possible, have studied harder, longer, more patiently, to memorize the correct answers that will appear on the next licensing exam. Wanting nothing more than to sleep for another hour or four, I deny the fatigue, let the phone calls go unanswered, the face go unwashed, the floors un-swept, just let me rest, ~leave me alone; stop calling.... Deny, deny, deny. Multiple sclerosis has a profound effect on memory. It both robs the brain of important function and clouds the thoughts with bleak despair, while simultaneously maiming one's self esteem. MS creates depression, which also steals the memory and causes stress, which pilfers the memory further. The disease MS and the resultant memory impairment makes learning a new trade daunting or near impossible, and it makes even the lightest forms of physical exercise difficult. "Don't heat up those muscles," comes the physician warning. "Keep exercising to keep mobile," offers a second opinion. As with every other day, when I got out of bed this morning (yippee, the first success of the day), I was in a lot of pain. The pins and needles take a few seconds to subside before I can place my feet soundly on the floor. I've often told myself that, "if only there was no pain, I could endure the fatigue, the poor cognitive function, and the dropping and breaking things...." Other days, when the fatigue is overwhelming and I cannot leave the house, because I cannot muster strength to brush my teeth, let alone get cleaned up, I think, "if only the fatigue was not so bad.... I can tolerate the pain, the drooping and dropping, and head fog, but the fatigue is just too much!" Then there are those days then I diligently attempt to learn the contents of another mortgage handbook, or memorize the material of a real estate exam pre-test, and the words come dancing from the pages like shooting stars, and they make no sense at all; my mind cannot grasp fast enough to grip the flying thoughts. Even when they make sense they generally refuse to stick in

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