by Pam From Hell

Created on: February 19, 2009

More often than not, we see sadness and despair etched in the stone monuments of our loved ones. Painful goodbyes and memories not to be forgotten are written by surviving family and friends. What a perfect time to display the true character of the deceased. A clean slate, a pristine area just waiting for creative expression such as:

"Get off my face! You're standing on my face!"

"It's nothing but a flesh wound."

"They say I died of Alzheimer's, but I can't remember ... who are they'?"

"When I was told to choke on it I'll bet they didn't think I'd actually DO it!"

"I'm in a better place now ... right?"

"I'm talking to Elvis and he says hello."

"Don't you even THINK about dancing!"

"Tag you're it."

"Keep laughing. You're next!"

"I thought that last bite tasted weird."

"Where's my hand! I can't feel my hand!"

"Come back at midnight, that's when the fun begins around here."

"What idiot said the good die young?"

"Okay I'm bored. The least you could have done was bury me with a book!"

"Meet me tonight and bring the backhoe."

"But the moron told me he was a licensed pilot."

"Wipe that smirk off your face, the new will is valid and you're not in it."

"Beloved spouse of Charles ... she preferred to think of herself as Bride of Chucky."

For some reason, the older people get, the more interested in obituaries they become. Maybe they just want to see how many people they've outlived so far. Many times my grandmother said "Did you see the paper? Betty Johnson had the nicest obituary."

Apparently nice meant they had a lot of accomplishments and a large family they left behind. I'd like to see more realistic obituaries that tell the real stories:

"Sarah Griffen 87, passed away after bludgeoning an intruder to death in her home last Tuesday. The intruder turned out to be her fourth ex husband who had let himself in after an evening of heavy drinking. Sarah is survived by six children, four great grandchildren, thirteen step children, two ex husbands and a ferret named Sparky."

"Billy Thomas 78, was hunting in the woods Nov. 18th without his hearing aid and unfortunately was trampled by a family of moose. He is survived by his wife Clara. In lieu of flowers, she requests that donations be made to the Loyal Order of the Moose Lodge in downtown Avondale."

"Patricia Brown 88, known as Peppermint Patty' fell off the county fair stage while doing her interpretation of Flashdance' last Saturday. She apparently slipped on the water after the bucket was emptied from above her head. She is survived by her husband Charlie and their two children Linus and Lucy."

Learn more about this author, Pam From Hell.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.