by Shah-Kapoor

Created on: January 25, 2007   Last Updated: May 02, 2007

Who are you, I asked myself today.

How do you describe yourself - as an Indian - Gujarati independent woman? Or are you an independent Indian-Gujarati woman? Or are you a woman, who is Indian-Gujarati and independent?

It's always a struggle figuring out the most important part of your identity. Some things are given - like being a woman. I don't want to, but I often question why. Then I tell myself, God made me a woman, and I may as well be okay with it. Acceptance is the cure to this kind of crisis.

And, so you are South Asian huh? Yes, I am. I am proud of my heritage and my language and my culture. Of course, I am a part of an India where there are many India's, so I don't really know where exactly I fit in. Being Indian is important to me, because it was the culture I was born in. Often, I am confused about being Indian though. Seeing and participating in another culture has something to do with it. They talk about acculturation and enculturation and adaptation and uncertainty reduction for strangers. I talk about plain confusion.

There were times I didn't want to be a woman. I didn't like breasts, they came in the way. I didn't like periods. I hated long hair. I hated to wax. I didn't want to be pregnant and feel like a cow. More than anything else, I didn't like being dependent. But then, I told myself, I didn't have to be dependent. Maybe, it isn't that fun being a man either. Who likes to shave...everyday anyway?

As I began to think positively, I actually started to like the fact that I was a woman. Today, I often tell myself, I couldn't be anything else but that. Clean legs - is a good thing - they look sexy. So is cleavage. And if I have to stay home with kids and not go to work for a while, it would be a great change, perhaps welcome too. Why not experience something before downright rejecting it?

I never cared about being Indian. I never spoke the Gujarati language in India. Gujaratis embarrassed me. All they thought about was food for breakfast, lunch and dinner. And clothes and jewelry. And festivals and temples and rituals. I went to Xavier's, studied English Literature and talked in English. I didn't associate with Gujaratis in my community. I didn't care.

Now I am here, far away from the Gujaratis of India. Surprisingly, I am studying the community for my dissertation. Now, I talk often in Gujarati, even read Gujarati books and a newspaper online. I can't seem to get the culture out of my life; as a matter of fact, I hold it dear.

It is true. Although

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