by Christy Cunningham

Created on: February 19, 2009   Last Updated: February 21, 2009

Letting Go

Stepping off my front porch it was still dark, the sky was heavy with rain clouds, the scent of rain lingering from last night's storm. It was a perfect day for my morning walk, a perfect backdrop for the melancholia that had entered my heart.

Last night I opened my professional photographer's quarterly magazine and saw an image by an old friend. I was struck by intense jealousy. Her image had made the cover! As I analyzed my powerful negative reaction to her success, I realized that it wasn't jealousy I was experiencing but grief; the loss of her friendship.

Grief is an interesting malady. It's tricky and devious. I used to think that grief was like the flu. The symptoms hit, you go to bed and in three days you recover and get on with life. Not so. This devious fiend's symptoms are more like malaria. They appear in cycles and may come and go at different intensities and for different lengths of times. It tricks you into believing you have recovered only to visit you at a later date with more intensity.

This morning as the cool air hit my face I knew it was time to face my nemesis for once and for all.

I met her years ago. We were colleagues, part of an incredible group of women photographers who inspired each other to higher heights. A generation apart, but we were friends.

Her sense of adventure and ambition led her to New York I looked forward to our every so often calls. I understood that life moves on, but I felt that if I ever needed her, she would be there. Time passed and she no longer called. I called her a few times, the last timeout of desperation, (She was always so good with the relationship answers.) But she never returned my calls. I accepted that she was in a new era of her life. Then her mass emails started to bother me. Emails she would send to her friends across not only the U.S. but the world. "Dearest friends just to let you know blah blah blah. One day I read something on her blog. I sent her an email about how her words had touched me to the core. She never responded and then one day I realized, Rachel was no longer my friend.

Grandma used to say, "Friend to all, friend to none." I don't want to be one of the mass!

One day I ran into her while shooting a wedding. She seemed thrilled to see me and said we must get together. I felt a twinge of guilt as I gave her the cold shoulder. I knew that if she hadn't of run into me, she would have never even thought of me.

Months have passed and I have tried to deal with this broken friendship.

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