by Joshua Brandenstein

Created on: February 19, 2009

There are so many options available to us in this whimsical wonderland of Wal-mart. With groceries, gadgets, jewelry, electronics, auto repair, home improvement, and medicines galore, the possibilities are endless, especially when reality is so far away and actions remain unhindered by legalities and etiquette. I think that to have the most fun in Wal-mart, one must create an entire epic, an adventure if you will throughout the store. It begins with the Guardian.

You and your friends have decided that you shall quest to Wal-mart. For what, you aren't yet certain, but fate has dictated your path and led you here. Now you stand at its entryway, hindered only by one figure. The Guardian. Back in reality, they refer to him or her as "the greeter," but you'll not be swayed by such foolishness, oh no, you are aware of this being's true colors. They are there to prevent your entry, however, the quest is too important for that. You must press onward. The creature opens its mouth, prepared to issue its warning. While your friends hear "Hello, welcome to Wal-mart," all you hear is the deep and demonic growl "Leave this place!" They begin to advance, but you were ready for this, you already know there can be no way to defeat such a creature, you somersault out of the way, crashing into the sodas on display. You narrowly avoided that threat. Now we press onward through the clothing jungle.

Deep in the heart of the 'Mart, lay the jungles that reality refers to as "clothing." These trees drag and droop, but curiously, they have, when swept aside, have a small clearing in which one can hide. It has been said that that tiny jungle people hide in these trees and await their prey. They giggle their signs of warning before the eminent strike. It will take much skill in navigating these treacherous trails. One may even go so far as to knock these trees down as they progress, as a makeshift machete. After clearing these trees and finding your way out, you discover that time must have progressed faster on the outside while you marched through the jungle, as you have entered some sort of technologically advanced society.

These innovative contraptions buzz and sparkle, and some child appears enthralled with pictures flashing across the screen above him as he operates some hand device. You have a suspicion that he will be there until his mother grabs him by the hand and literally drags him out. At this point, reality is becoming less vague to you. You're beginning to feel more free than previously. You feel like doing something rash as you make your escape from this place. After all, you don't really even remember why you came in the first place, you might as well try to escape and figure it out later.

The only way to escape such an extreme environment is by employing drastic measures. Screaming your guttural war cry you leap upon the counter. The attending employee bellows at you to get down, but you'll not be swayed. From this vantage point you see your window of opportunity. The exit. With expert agility you leap into a nearby woman's cart, propelling yourself forward towards the groceries and through there, the exit. Screams of confusion, anger, and exclamations form a maelstrom of madness behind you, but you must journey onward.

You leap out of the cart as its momentum ceases, and take off running for the sliding doors and into the arms of freedom.

Learn more about this author, Joshua Brandenstein.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.