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While walking away may seem the obvious answer when someone is being physically abused, often it is not that easy. Looking from the outside in, you might say that if it was you, you'd be out of there, but things are often more complicated than they seem.

In many instances, the abuse doesn't start with violent physical abuse. Often, in the beginning, it starts with mental or emotional abuse, but is done so cleverly that the person on the receiving end of the abuse doesn't realise that it's happening.

Abusers often begin by manipulating the situation so that their partner starts to cut off contact with family and friends. This is when emotional abuse is most effective. With no outside perspective, self esteem usually plummets, and the abuser is able to make their partner believe that they are worthless.

It is normally only once self esteem has been eradicated that physical abuse starts. And this is where the problem lies. Often the abuser is able to convince their abused partner that the abuse is their fault. They 'deserved' to be hit because they hadn't behaved in an 'acceptable' manner. The abuser has managed to escalate their behaviour so slowly, that the person being abused doesn't actually realise the situation that they are in.

Obviously it is the abusers behaviour which is completely unacceptable, but for someone who has lost their support network and been worn down, they are often unable to recognise this. And it becomes even more difficult for someone to consider leaving when physical abuse is coupled with emotional abuse. Often, the abuser tells them that if they leave 'they will hunt them down and find them'. This psychological abuse is very effective in most circumstances, and the person being abused fears leaving more than the abuse they are currently facing.

If someone does work up the courage to leave a violent relationship, it's important that they get the support they need, rather than admonitions about how they should have left earlier. They need positive reinforcement, rather than negative statements.

So, while to outsiders it may seem logical to walk away from a violent relationship, often this is not a possibility that even enters the mind of the person being abused.

If you think that you know someone who is being abused, talk to them about it, but don't push. Often this will make them retreat further and cut off all contact. This will then make it even more difficult for them to contemplate leaving.

Learn more about this author, Kris Zelunka.
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