by Ann Marie Dwyer

Created on: February 18, 2009   Last Updated: March 30, 2009

Women seek out friends in times of stress. Why do your best girlfriends seem to change and the friendships fall apart when your baby arrives?

The tide turns

Your child has more power over your relationships than you ever imagined. The mother-child bond is so close it builds walls between you and your best girlfriend. She knows you well enough to know she has moved down your priority scale.

She tells you, "We were always there for each other. Now I barely exist."

You could point out a few realities: You average seventy (70) diaper changes per week, sleep in three hour segments (if at all), run an all night deli and hardly have time to remember if you've had a shower.

Solution: Think of your friendship as an asset, rather than a demand. Make and keep a steady date to spend time with your friend, even if you can only manage once per month. Email one another in between dates.

Friendship builds a buffer against sickness and helps you maintain a sense of mental well-being, often lost during sleep deprivation. Let your dates be something both of you can count on for stability.

She tells you, "All you ever talk about is the baby."

You could tell her about the milestones, how excited you are about being a mom and how you don't understand why she is not excited for you.

Solution: Listen first. Find out what is going on in her life and pay attention. Keep your baby news updates brief. The more you listen, the more she will, too.

She tells you, "Your baby interferes with our plans."

You could tell her that naps and feedings are better at certain times and in conducive environments (unlike the open air concert).

Solution: Be realistic and vocal about your limitations. You know you are completely spent after 8:00. Set a dinner date for 6:00. Explain why you need the meal earlier. When you cannot go out, schedule a girl's night in. Share by going to her house from time to time.

She tells you, "We have nothing in common any more."

You could tell her you have nothing in common any more. She has the single life or the newlywed life, and you are a new mom. Your priorities are different now.

Solution: Stay positive. You and she were friends before baby, and more than likely, you will be again. And she doesn't need to rush out and get pregnant for the two of you to share again. Keep sending invites for kid-friendly affairs. She will join in when she is comfortable.

Is it really over?

If you have done your best, but the relationship is still floundering or is emotionally draining, pull the plug. There is no shame in calling it quits, if you do it right.

It is not fair, and often hurtful and confusing, to abandon a friendship without saying anything. Do keep it impersonal. The end is not about her, but about the change in your life. Feel free to blame it on the baby.

"A new baby is just more of a time commitment than I thought it would be, and I cannot keep up with friends the way I did," is a safe swan song.

Not all of your friendships are doomed during your delivery. Remember, friendship is like wearing a comfortable pair of shoes with a hole in the sole. You don't have to censor yourself, and your friend sees the "real you". The "real you" is now a new mother. That level of comfort is exactly the kind of friendship you need.

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