by Catherine M. Harris

Created on: February 18, 2009   Last Updated: February 20, 2009

What's in a name? Everything. That's why the debate over whether married women should keep their name or not is such a heated one even in this modern era. There's a lot that is riding on a person's name: their identity, their culture, their individuality, their family, and of course children - whose name should they take or should they take a hybrid?

I got married in 1988. I had no intention of changing my name mainly because I was in my mid-twenties, was working, had published a few short stories and articles and was, I thought, making a name for myself professionally. My credit history, educational history, all of that was tied into my name. I truly was surprised when I told everyone I wasn't planning to go by my husband-to-be's name, to me it didn't make sense. My family, and his, were horrified I would even think such a think. In the best tradition of The Simpsons' preacher's wife, the resounding cry I heard was "But what about the children?" After explaining that I think my children would know who I am I was effectively browbeaten into saying, "oh alright I'll use his name."

The operative word here was "use". You see the laws where I am (and they vary depending on where you are) state that if you are not born in this Province (I wasn't) then I'd have to legally change my name through the process that anyone else would, or, I could adopt the name and was free to use it as long as I was married for pretty much everything except my passport. That worked for me and I just didn't tell anyone that I was adopting rather than carving in stone. I was being realistic - how was I to know the marriage would work, and I did want to be free to use my real name as much as I wanted to. In the end this worked out well because the marriage didn't last, and though my children and I have now got different last names, so do half the kids in their respective schools. This is not an uncommon thing any more.

Still, there are reasons not to keep it. Primarily would be religious or cultural (beyond of course your own desire to change it). Maybe you don't particularly like your last name and your husband's is better. Maybe it just wouldn't feel like you were married if you didn't. All valid reasons.

The thing is that many women now don't get married at 18. Many go to university or college, or perhaps they've gained some notoriety in a sport or a skill like my writing was to me. Perhaps they are the only child of a family where, if they don't keep the name the name will die off in this generation. It is a huge bother to have to change your name on driver's licenses, health cards, credit cards, bank accounts, with your employers, on retirement plans, all your subscriptions, prescriptions and whatever else. If you make a list of things that you will have to formally go through a process to be legal, it may give you pause.

It did me. I fell for it once but I did become myself again the minute I walked out that door. If I ever get married again I won't be taking their name. Once in a lifetime is enough.

One final thought: changing my name back on my driver's license was fairly easy but when I had a book club demand that I send them copies of my separation agreement and driver's licence and another photo ID in order to change it back put it all in perspective. To the book club I said, "Forget it, you're a book club, not a bank. Cancel my subscription." And to the people who still cluck-cluck that I didn't keep my married name for the sake of the children, I can only say, "Forget it, they can keep the name, I'll keep my own, thank you very much."

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